Blaming and Helping

If you notice, our world has gone so obsessed with blaming that it blinds their way out from something that matters more, which is helping. There are a lot of social problems in society that seem to be so deplorable that society just lessens their understanding capacity by just resorting to labeling and organizing information on the basis of those labels. It's easier for us to stamp people with a certain mark on their forehead, and keep calling and seeing them as that rather than taking time to actually understand and help.

Consider the cases of homosexuality. Have you ever considered, Muslims worldwide especially, they spend their every waking moment in their lives trying to search for a proof in Al-Qur'an and Hadis or any other reliable sources that homosexuality is forbidden? Even after proving it, they can't get enough, they have to talk in a public discussion about how haraam it is, they have to make sure that the message is delivered loud and clear. But do you notice, that none of these "good" Muslims ever try to stop for awhile and really think, "how can we help this guy?"

To make it worse, they use a lot of common-sense nonsense to cover up what they are lacking in the intelligence area, so they keep making these suggestions as if they were really effective and supported so in scientific research. Suggestions like getting married, having sex with a woman, or even as horrible as aversion therapy (which only serves as a punishment rather than nurturer, so a gay guy's most likely be asexual rather than straight), are strictly based on simplistic perspectives.

So, my point is, there is no effective way yet, so rather than encouraging the homosexuals to get wild with being homosexual, why don't you absorb them into the society and give them a purpose? Why don't you, rather than making a harsh and cruel rejection, give them a platform for them to express their feelings and perspectives on life? Why don't you, rather than making quick and baseless judgments, try to stop and put yourself in their shoes for a while?

I know I might get flamed for posting this. But I hope you would stop to think and do the right thing, though it's hard.

Forgiver and Forgiven

I am human just like you, and you, and you. And while it's no excuse to doing mistakes and all, it's still true that humans err. Being a human like you, you, and you, I have wronged some people and there's nothing I have wished bigger than them offering their forgiveness to me. But all my life apologizing, I have seen two kinds of people when it comes to conflict resolution.

1) The kind that feels superior and somehow victorious in the little "battle". This kind usually just feels that he or she just wins and is reinforced by the triumphant feelings, the person wouldn't just stop there yet, s/he has to create more drama by not accepting the apology, just to secretly want the person to blame to be on the knee and begging for mercy. A way for this kind to extend the conflict period is as little as not replying an apology text or message in a Facebook, or as big as yelling the person back to his guilt.

2) The kind that knows that extended conflict period can never do anyone any good. So, they handle the apology maturely by replying politely and forgive. And no, when I say forgiving, I do not equalize it with forgetting. You see, forgetting is tricky, and we should actually NOT forget, so the similar pattern of mistakes wouldn't happen again. But when they receive an invitation of truce in someway, they knew better than making a fuss out of it.

You see, the classifications are not exactly black and white, of course there are other ways people manifest their forgiving and apologizing behaviors, and they are ways for people to have a mixture of those classifications too. But let me tell you one thing, whatever their reaction is, do know that you have done your part in apologizing and expect nothing more from the person. If you become resentful of his or her reaction towards your apology, you'd just do nothing but make it worse. Sometimes the first kind of people are just to confused of what's the forgiveness is really for, so you just pray that the person would find out soon.

As usual, I need to remind that to myself too...

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free, only to discover the prisoner is you..."

Professionalism Is Overrated

In the world going toward corporate dimension and academic emphasis, professionalism cannot be stressed enough. Professionalism means that the matters involving personal issues, interests, and desires should not intervene with the performance at the institution or workplace. Which is why to protect from things like fraud and biasness, some ethical guidelines are introduced by bodies who guard professional issues. For example, psychologically, in a therapy session, the counselors, psychotherapists, social workers, or any helping professionals, are prevented from having personal involvement with the clients, because obviously it's not helping. When you're in love with the client, as an extreme example, the way you see him or her can never be the same as when you see a person as the one you want to professionally help. There's biasness involved. Even some research supported the idea that lie detection is very hard to do when we're doing it to the one we're close to.

Well, I'm not against the idea of professionalism, I'm even in agreement with some of the concepts that are linked with the practice of professionalism. But does this issue have boundaries? Or is an extreme form of professionalism can still do any good? What do I mean by extreme professionalism? It is when, an aspect of it, the authority or people of higher position like bosses, lecturers, or managers can't be the least involved with their subordinates emotionally (and don't you dare equalize 'emotionally' with 'romantic'). It is like, the bosses do not bother if their employees have a hard time at home, or the lecturers frown upon the students having a small talk with them, or the managers can't sit in the same table with their workers at lunch.

My point being is, when you're completely detached from the personal life at work, some problems might ensue. Bosses out there, if you can't even be friends with your subordinates, how would you figure out how to understand them personally that can lead to figuring out how to make them perform even better? Lecturers out there, why do you have to shush a student if he asks about your family? You don't have to tell the gross intimate details, but a small talk can actually motivate the student into working harder (you'll be surprised how it works!).

Think of the time of Prophet Muhammad S.A.W. Did he detach himself from the personal lives of his Companions and people? The way he was a leader at that time was by knowing intimately who the people in his lives were. By that knowledge of his people, he'd know appropriate response to give everytime they consulted him with something, or to give out advice that's relevant to their life background.

Professionalism, in my opinion, was initially something that protects an institution from being a circus society. It was intended to maintain efficiency and promote healthy climate, and I believe it still is. But some professionals use it as a "guard" to protect them from having to do ''extra works'' not listed in their job scope, like being vigilant and friendly and not detached and emotionless to their people's personal life, as well as professional life. It makes it so much easier for them to do their works.

So, what I'm trying to say, get involved with each other (and please don't misunderstand it, you know you get the point after all this gibberish), and get to know each other personally. Bosses, lecturers, and managers, don't stick out your ego just because you're higher. I end my rant.

Coffee

Coffee is such a delicate drink. It's drank cold, hot, with or without milk. Coffee helps me go through the day. And it certainly is a great company when I'm revising my studies on this particular table where I'm blogging right now. Many people believe that the caffeine in that cup of coffee can help them stay awake and energetic in doing their chores and works. Or if not, coffee can be just a delicious kind of routine contained in a cup. These are some random psychological facts on coffee and its effect.

1) The caffeine in the coffee will only work if you don't take it regularly. Just like drug, the more you take it, the more your system is craving for it, so the sensitivity for its amount in the body is decreasing, which makes another cup of coffee the next morning doesn't do anything to you. Wait, no, you still feel the effect, you still feel awake. But how? The arousal effect is resulted from your body returning to a state where it finally gets the fix, where it no longer experiences withdrawal symptom.

source:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6422279.stm

2) The effect of caffeine and how body craves for it can extend to the association of drinking the cup of coffee itself. This may explain why the body subconsciously feel the coffee tastes nice when we drink it out of the same mug, or the favorite mug. Since no formal research has been done to confirm this, maybe I can relate this to Mere Exposure Effect?

source:
http://idiolect.org.uk/notes/?p=783

3) Coffee can be related to how capable you are in accessing your memory. State-Dependent Memory asserts that the state where you memorize something or encode an information, is a state where your memory will be more efficient in decoding or accessing it. To put it in layman's words, for example, if you study in a caffeinated condition, you'd recall better in examination if you're caffeinated too.

So, now you know a little tidbits on coffee and its psychology, so take advantage of it, especially on #3. Now, I got to have my fix of coffee for the day...

There Are More Realities Out There

Perhaps, before reading down what I have got to say, you can enjoy this one song by Jordin Sparks, "God Loves Ugly." Why I introduce this song first? Because it has the essence of what's reality is, of what confidence is. In the beginning of the song, she said that everyone is looking down upon her because of what she, and others apparently, considered "ugly." The blemishes, the weight problem, and the dirt that spiflicated her appearance made her feel so inferior, and probably one less of a woman. Then, towards the end of the songs (and some parts of the middle), she was starting to believe that she's beautiful, she's "apparently" beautiful.

You see, it's her reality. She believed that she's ugly, she knew that, she knew that confidently. Sometimes when people tell you one of their realities, you should know that it's not helping to just deny what they are saying. Saying, "No, you're beautiful..." or, "You're wrong!" even if it's true in your reality, it's not true in the person's own reality. It may work sometimes, aided by a couple other factors. This is also why comparing problem, "my problem is much worse than yours," will only make the person feel bad about him- or herself. So, if you want someone to believe in something, to believe in him- or herself, to be believe that it's his or her reality, then make one. Make what you say a reality to the person, by strengthening the reasoning with something that she feels important and powerful.

In this song, she was finally able to have altered her reality in which she now believed that she's beautiful. Why? Because God was an important figure in her life, and she learnt that God never discriminated anybody, for God, everyone was beautiful. If God was down here on earth, she knew she'd be able to face Him feeling strong, without the feeling that she might get judged by her own appearance, like other people did on her.

Carl Rogers, one of the founders of humanistic psychology, believed that people get their realities by experiencing them in the past. the experiences are deeply rooted in their system that they become, well, their realities. Rogers asserted that helping professionals should hold to the first cardinal rule, which is to accept the perception of the person unconditionally, which is why when you want to listen to other people's problem, empathizing is something you should do. How can a person feel better when all you do is, "You're being a crybaby. Move on already. Come on, your problem is so small compared to mine! You think it's hard to lose a friend? Try me, I might marry a jerk out of my family's force..."

Having to marry someone you don't love is not worse than losing a friend, and vice versa. The problem is a problem according to your own book, according to your reality. This is very important to remember if you want to be a good friend, a good spouse, a good family member, or even a good helping professional. What you have to do is to accept the perception of that person. Then, without being directive and suggestive, you can help the person realize that there is another reality in his or her life. A reality that helps the person build a better life. Remember this your whole life.

You'll Be Happier When You Realize It's Your Fault

Self-serving bias is a social cognitive error in which you most likely attribute your successes to your own personal factors and your failures to other factors that you can't control. Try to imagine what a person would most probably say why he got an A in a subject, and why he slumped his grade for another. And you also might think that you're exempted from having this error, but think again, harder (Halvorson, 2010). 


This kind of thinking might protect you from having a downfall of your own esteem. You might feel better when you think you're not the one who screws up the whole thing. But, there is an unfortunate dark side of self-serving bias, where it leads and teaches you how to be powerless and in no control of your own life. A lot of what has been found in research showed that happiness can be stemmed from our own perception on whether we have control on our life (e.g. Myers, 1992; Cook & Chater, 2010). Cook and Chater concluded from their research that people who are happier and with higher perceived control on their life and have a healthier eating behavior.

Can you see the relationship between all these things I've been babbling about? Why do you think people become so incessantly sad and depressed over the their own misfortune? Society, environment, their own family members, their friends, or even God are most likely the target of blame because these saddies think these targets are the ones responsible (i.e. self-serving bias) for their bad events.


What I'm trying to point out is that, once you realize that you also have an equal share of the blame, that it might easily be your own fault, you will see that you have a higher chance to make it right in the future. Try to ponder what you did wrong, what made it go the way you didn't hope it to. By doing this, you heighten your perceived control in life and you'll more likely feel happier. Seriously try it.
And this entry is inspired by my own experience when God used to be my target of blame. Forgive me Allah.


References:


Cook, E. & Chater, A. (2010). Are happier people, healthier people? The relationship between perceived happiness, personal control, BMI and health preventive behaviours. International Journal of Health Promotion & Education, 48, 58-64.


Halvorson, H. G. (2010). In failure, we are all Alan Greenspan. Extracted from Psychology Today from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-success/201004/in-failure-we-are-all-alan-greenspan


Myers, D. G. (1992). The Secrets of Happiness. Extracted from Psychology Today from http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/the-secrets-happiness?page=2

My Life Is On Pause (A.K.A. The Art of Saying Goodbye)

Losing something significant, especially the ones you really care about, is a tragedy. Be it a dear friend, a beloved family member, an attached pet, or your loving spouse - it is never easy. What is worse is when you are very desperate to move forward, to go on with your life, you feel like there is this giant person with a giant remote who presses the 'pause' button on your life. You're not the one holding the remote, so you can't do anything but be frozen in the screen and wait.

There is a reason, well, two, two reasons why you're on pause, in my opinion. First, you need time to heal. They say that time heals and time doesn't certainly rush in doing its job. If you suddenly move forward, you never have time to think everything through. It's time to feel sad, to accept that you have experienced a tragic loss. It is the time when you have to accept that there might be no other kind of ending for that event. I don't mean to mourn and lock yourself inside the room, but give yourself a break. You have gone through a lot.

Second, this is the time when you have to properly say goodbye. Sometimes what hangs us up is the improper way things end and we don't like that. We keep wondering if things ended differently. So, rather than moving forward, we busy our mind with all the happy endings that could have happened. There's no time to regret! It's time to say goodbye, and for what's it's worth, you can do by your own. Admit that there's nothing between you anymore and that it's time to go. Say goodbye.

Moving on is tricky but it's not impossible. As I said, time heals, and time is your best friend that you don't want to lose here. It'll help you move forward, when you're ready.

I have to say goodbye too.

How Are You?

How are you?

That's what people usually say to each other when they meet. It's a sign of caring and friendship, where it's the simplest way to find what's going on with our friends. It's the simplest way to know if our friend is happy or sad, up or down. What's the better way to ask your friend that you want to know what is up with him or her.

Unfortunately, 'how are you?' has been much of a ritual question rather than an actual question. Paradoxically, 'how are you?' can be a sign that we're bumping into a person whose closeness to us is just so-so, and the safest way to look like you even care meeting with him is by asking, "How are you?" And what's worse is you don't even stop to wait for the person to answer the question and you don't even accompany the question with the appropriate body gesture and and facial expression.

This question has been very imbedded in our mindset as a way to start and quickly finish off unnecessary encounter, that we even just ritualize the answer by setting it to an automatic, "I'm fine..."

You see, especially when we're a close friend to someone and he or she is struck with a big trouble. It could be tricky what to answer when we ask that person 'how are you?'. It's like, he or she wants to just answer, "I'm fine." but we're his or her close friend, so s/he really wants to tell you what's going on, what's really happening. But then, we are asking, 'how are you?' which is not so elaborate for a person who really wants to know what's going on with him or her. So, at the end, the most likely option of answer would be the over-ritualized, "I'm fine..."

So, who should we blame? The way people treat a redundancy in everyday communication to avoid having a cognitive overloading (humans are naturally constantly trying to reduce workload in their cognition)? The way our creativity dies whenever it comes the time to do or say things differently than the normalcy? Or is it that we're unconsciously obsessed with friendship status with everyone in our lives that who doesn't make it to the 'significant' list does not deserve our undivided attention?

My suggestions would be to make an effort in showing that you care. Just asking 'how are you?' might just backfire in the friendship itself. Couple the question with the right body movement and facial expression. Stop for awhile when meeting to really catch up with the friends.

I also need to do the same ~ ~

Departure Prayer

Aslam,

I know that you'll read this when you arrive there. I want to dedicate this entry to you. Today is your departure to Japan and you're living in your dreams coming to realization. You're making efforts that are so amazing that dreams have to listen to you. I'm learning a lot about determination and persistence from our friendships. It's so valuable a knowledge that I never forget to be determined and persistent myself, because I know if I spend even half of my time making efforts like you did, I'd see my dreams coming true too.

So, this is my hope and prayers for you. I pray to Allah that you're one day, a big and successful man who makes a difference to the world. You inspire people and make people realize that their dream, each one of them, is worth fighting for. Please be safe at Japan, and please have fun over there. If Allah helps you realize your dream, He'll help you make a fun and beneficial living over there. He'll help you face any enjoyment and problems. He'll help you continue being the person, the brilliant man, you were in your studies and in your friendship.

Sincerely,

Taufik

Places Where Hungry Hearts Have Nothing to Eat (A.K.A. Chasers of Beauty)

They say that the food of mind is knowledge, and the food of heart is love. I don't know if I am actually well-phrased to talk about it but you see, beautiful people, men or women, they have an endless queue in front of them who is more than eager to have a connection with them. Before, when I was quite naive, I always thought it was a very superficial nature of humans, longing for the things that look good in the eyes. But, no, though we're always taught with the value of what's inside is more important than what's outside, we still feel that it's more enjoyable to be in a company of beautiful people. Why?

This is a list of answer of such question. It kind of gives a shed of light of why beautiful people always seem to have chasers of friends or lovers. Some answers are worth mentioned.

1) post #3 - the poster says that when you hang around beautiful people, it makes you feel beautiful too. It makes you happy. But what about the case of post #2 where the poster says that hanging around beautiful people shakes his self-confidence. Being around ugly people makes the person looks good.

2) post #4 speculates that hanging around beautiful people gives you a share of what is given to your beautiful company. If they're getting attention, you'll too. Is it true? Don't you even feel more lonely hanging around them?

3) post #6 says that pretty people have an awesome personality. Is it a case of "what's beautiful is good" myth? And it's countered by post #7 who claims that ugly people have nicer personality. Well, then, isn't this a case of "what's beautiful isn't good" myth?

4) Post #9, 10, and 14 make a direct statement by saying that ugly people are ugly. Well, there's no more further comment of these ones, isn't there?

Among all these, and the more sensible answer is given by,

5) post #1, 5, and the best answer chosen by the asker that we have been engineered in our genes to chase after people of beauty. They symbolize health, give refreshments to the eyes, and possess symmetry in their physiques. They chase beautiful people because well then, they want to have some "love" from them, which eventually satisfies their social life, which philosophically we can say, their hearts have been fed.

Beautiful people possess some evolutionary "mysteries" that maybe psychologists can attempt to understand, but in a meanwhile, us non-psychologists, please don't ever repeat what posters #9, 10, and 14 said, average Joes, me especially don't feel good when you say that. So, even if you hate us so much, keep it inside, answering in a public platform like Yahoo! Answers is very hurtful.