What's Your Struggle.... In Ramadan?

In one of my past entries, What's Your Struggle?, I talked about how everyone has a struggle, or a fight in which that becomes a theme issue in that person's life. Now, let's talk a bit religiously and specifically, about a similar struggle that might have to face, that somehow magnifies in this blessed month. This entry is for my Muslim fellows out there, but I hope it could give an insight to everyone.

I had a conversation with one of my friends, who reported that his aim and goal to benefit as much from this month is sinking really low now. He was really pumped up to observe his obligations and the non-obligatory deeds, so he'd get something out of this month. But came the third week, he started feeling very down, and his energy was not as much as fiery as it was before.

The same thing happened to me, exactly. I promised myself to always go to the mosque every night (or if I didn't, I would complete the night prayers at home), and I would try my hardest not to do any obvious sins (I mean, the sins that I'm aware are sins upon doing them). The first two weeks were somehow fruitful and satisfying, and came the third week, suddenly the challenge became even harder and more difficult.

We have always heard how Islamic obligations like prayers and fasting can prevent someone from doing unIslamic things, but why some struggling individuals like me, my friend, and I'm sure thousands and thousand of Muslims out there are having a breakdown in our consistency? Why at one minute we are pumped up to do our best, but in another, we suddenly feel like we can't win anymore? This, again is not scientific, but my theory is this: Imaan (or Islamic faith), is a lot similar like motivation. Motivation is a very much popular in Psychological literature and a lot of research has been conducted to see the nature of it, such as what makes it stay, what makes it go low, or what makes it strong, or weak, etc. If you observe your Imaan, you will see the similar pattern, sometimes it is high, sometimes it is low, sometimes it is strong, and sometimes it is seriously weak. So, my question is, can we, scientifically and safely, assume that whatever applies to motivation can also be applied to Imaan? I mean, what seems to refill our motivation when it's down, can it refill our Imaan too?

I hope there are Muslim psychologists out there who would conduct such research and use the findings to benefit the other folks out here so we can benefit from it. As I conclude my entry, I would like to quote a nice phrase that I found somewhere in this virtual world that sums this topic up pretty well...

"Some people say that motivation doesn't last - well, like bathing, we recommend it daily!"

It's true...

A Letter to His Father

When conducting an activity with my client who is a young offender, involving him writing a letter originally done to provide a platform for healthy expressions of emotions, he seemed a little bit hesitant at first. But once he delved into the writing phase, he started to get deeper into it and write a lot longer than my friend and I initially thought. The letter is roughly translated...

"This is for you Abah. I write this letter to tell you what I felt throughout being under the same roof with you. I can't begin to tell you how much disappointed I am with you. I know my juvenile behaviors were inexcusable, but to be honest, I did them because all what I really wished and wanted was to be like any other kids who got what they wanted whenever they wanted them. I just want to be like them. Not rich, but with enough money where I could live like other kids. Instead of working, you hung out with your friends at the coffee shop with your friends and you jumped from one job to another. When at home, all you did was finding something to blame on me, if it's not about returning home late, it'd be about me not taking care of my little brother. But do you know why I'd return home late, and not take care of my little brother? It's because I'd be out finding a job to gain a little bit money so I could buy what I want. Then, I felt like the money was slow to get, then I resorted to stealing. I was nervous at first, but it got easier everytime I did it. From stealing money at a shop, I turned to picking pockets and stealing money from my own relatives. I felt happy, because for the first time in my life, I have my own money and I could buy something for my little brother, I could buy something to eat that he liked, and then I could buy something that I liked, that I wanted. I'm sorry Abah for disappointing you. Because of my juvenile behaviors, I was never a good son. I am not sure if you hate me or love me, but I hope one day you could find forgiveness as I did to you. Take care, Abah."

What I wanted to point out is that, each of youth who has made some criminal mistakes at some point in their life, there is a story to it. I do not condone what they did, but when you are working at a place where it "stores" kids who have made some illegal mistakes, the least you could do is to spend some time to understand where they come from and how they get here. That's how much you owe it to them when you are paid every month for your "job" and call yourself a "social worker."

This is what I would advice to everyone who'd step to be a staff at a welfare institution: Please make sure you have passion in your heart in regards to what you are doing. Please make sure you have what it takes to ensure that you go to the necessary lengths to understand the residents and try your hardest to avoid assigning labels like "evil" or "bad." Each time you like to think they are evil, ask yourself, haven't you made some mistakes you wish you could take back?

What's Your Struggle?

My principle about life's challenges is this: No one is struggling more than the other one. Everyone has his or her own struggle that makes up the person's adventure in his or her life. You might have the struggle of poverty, and has to find the food to eat for the day for you or yourself, but it doesn't mean you have a worse challenge than a rich guy who has variety of foods to eat everyday; the latter might have the struggle of faith in which he needs to ensure that the wealth he possesses does not possess him (or it already does). You might feel like being a married person is really challenging and everytime people "complain" about being single, you'd answer with a laconic, "you don't want to get married," but single people might battle with the own depression out of being lonely, which is dangerous in the first place.

Therefore, my point is, each of us has our own struggle. The key point is to empathize and never compare problems. I believe when you are a friend who is listening to another friend's problem, the golden rule of thumb is to never say, "that is not a big deal, my situation is worse." You are just undermining his or her problem and worse yet, you might make your friend feel even more depressed. But this golden rule of thumb is not my point. My point is, what is your struggle and how do you perceive it?

Some people place the destination of finally triumphing over the struggle as the priority, and some people view the journey to the destination as the purpose of life. It all boils down to how you perceive your struggle. I also have mine, so I know how desperate you might feel sometimes to just get the hell out of the "theme" problem you have in your life, but we ought to remember in mind that there is no shortcut to happiness. Shortcuts will always backfire. The key to arriving at the destination is perseverance, persistence, and effort. But at the same time, the journey shall be perceived as a learning process, with its own ups and downs.

As usual, when I write about something that sounds preach-y, it's because I'd like to remind myself of it, more than to you. And if you are a Muslim, then make sure to always remember, God is always by your side.

Ramadhan!

Ramadan is coming again. I have written in my last Ramadhan post that I am nervous about my performance in this month. It only comes once per year and the feeling like you are not taking full advantage of the month, is like a feeling failure.

Speaking of a feeling of failure, I am reminded by my another "failure." Being a social worker is hard, and it requires you to have a high level of courage to advocate for your client. When you are working at a place where you are required to be passionate about it, as in working in a shelter home for the elderly, or an institution for orphans, in a juvenile rehab center, etc. You are required to look at your job as more than a job, because it is not. It is about helping the target group who is the reason why the institution exists in the first place.

Some public servants are very apathetic towards their job and many of them have the as-long-as-I-finish-my-job attitude. And this, I observe, cause them to want to settle down in their own comfort zone and will distress over having to do extra work. Unfortunately (or not), extra works are like a part of being a social worker because being a social worker requires you to have extra passion in what you are doing.

I have nothing more to say, other than, I was being warned because I referred a sick resident to get a medical attention. No, it's a simple job, everyone could do that, but because this resident lives in an institution, letters and documents have to be filed, and this is what they all want to avoid doing. Or maybe it's because of another reason why they have such attitude. I don't know. Whatever it is, it disappoints me.

Anyways, in this occasion, I would like to wish every Muslim a better Ramadan. A Ramadan where we fix the glitch in our personality, the errors in our slavery to Him, and the mistakes we made to others. I wish the best especially for residents in any welfare institutions.

We Are All Lonely

Some say that loneliness is a disease. It is so dangerous that because of that various other problems might ensue. Today I had an interesting chat where I found out that without them being connected, three people I spoke with share a common worry of being lonely.

1) A is a government servant who has been working at Penang for 12 years and has settled down a family live in this state as well. However, he has been promoted and will be posted to another state at another extreme side of Malaysia, Johor. He is excited about it, but he is concerned about how he'll cope living alone without his family.

2) B is also a government servant who has passed his prime age of working. However, although not in his retirement age, he is observed to be very well suited to be in life supported by his children. I wondered if it was about being independent and living on what he made. No, he kept working because he thought if he didn't, he'd stay alone at home and the feeling of loneliness might hurt him.

3) C is a teenager who has the habit of adding every girl he knows in his life (and send them flirty messages too, regardless they have a boyfriend) in his Facebook friends list. He is a resident in a juvenile rehab center and he said one of the way to cope with feeling isolated from friends who were all outside was to get the comfort from the idea that the girls might find him handsome and would like to get to know him better.

You see, all of these three people with whom I had a conversation with were married, popular among friends, never would have struck as the kind of person who might feel lonely in his life. So, I was thinking, if we all feel lonely at some point (if not all) of our lives, what makes some of us more vulnerable to the danger of loneliness?

Perhaps it has something to do with the way we adjust to being alone. Do we look at being alone as loneliness or as solitariness? Do we appreciate the time we have for ourselves or do we just want to get out from companyless time as soon as possible? Maybe after all just like beauty, being alone is in the heart of the beholder.

Juvenile

I used to have a conversation with a resident at juvenile rehabilitation center where I am doing my practicum now and I asked, "Where do your parents live?" And what broke my heart was that he gently and awkwardly smile and answered, "They are divorced..."

You see, I would like to make a point in this entry and it is about the children who are sent to a "warehouse" like this center because they are "uncontrollable." Now answer this question, what constitutes "uncontrollable"? It is when your children throw a tantrum when they are not given what they want? Or when they run around and break a vase? Or when they go out with their friends until late night? Or when they talk back after you? No, these are the things that children normally do. And guess what, these are enough reasons to make the parents send their children off to this juvenile rehabilitation center.

I am not sure if I am making an immature conclusion but from what I have seen in my 2-month practicum, these children, or these teenagers act like normal teenagers. Of course some of them did some serious offence like robbing multiple houses as their criminal career, or being an addict, but let's say, the teenagers who are sent off here for this form around 40% of the whole community and the rest is all here because they are being "uncontrollable."

I do not dislike this place. In fact, it does a great job at teaching these children that every wrongdoing has a consequence (which can go too far), and these children's religious and cultural values are also strengthened. But I feel a bit disappointed at the parents who take the easy way of sending their children off to this center just because their children do not know the appropriate way of talking with their parents.

Of course I'm not a parent yet, and I can never begin to imagine the hassle of being a parent, but I'm living close enough with two sisters and a brother who all have children and their children sometimes are acting like these. It is what I call as being a child. If you're a child, you can't help but to see and perceive things and want the world to see and perceive things the way you do, and when you and the world have the different way of doing things, you might burst out. It's being a child. When you are giving birth to a child, it is pertinently your responsibility to balance off a bucket full of oil (a phrase from Malay language, "menatang minyak yang penuh" which means to educate and raise your child with love).

Spending times with them at a trip really open my eyes how much they need supports from the people they love. They are these wonderful beings who are not perfect. Many from these children witness their parents getting a divorce and they don't know how to respond to the fact that they are no longer going to be in the same home. So, they break out and break away from home and do stuffs that make them feel a little bit calmer like using drugs or picking a fight. It's called being a child.

I'm sure that every child has a pattern and if you, as their parent, take time to understand that, you will realize that your children can very much be very promising and have a bright future.

Mysterious Love

Love is a very mysterious emotion. It is high, it is low, it is helpless, it is hopeful, it is sexual, it is non-sexual, it is big, it is small, it is humane, it is materialistic. What love is makes up the whole world. That is what great about love. The feeling is so small, but very persistent that it slowly builds up in a platform (or what humans call as 'heart') until it is big enough for the feeling to be shared around the world.

Try to imagine, if not without the love of power and his people, how did Julius Caesar become one of the historical world's most powerful leaders? If not without the love of her children, how does a mother carry them around nine months in her womb? If not without the love of her students, how did Erin Gruwell manage to establish a strong organization, Freedom Writers Organization, that was based from a small class that was filled with hatred and racism? If not without the love of his lover, how is a man able to wait for his half across time and space?

Love is so visible yet so stealthy. Sometimes, love can be an unrequited thing in that it always appears without any supposed conditions and requirements. It is with its independent conjuring. It doesn't matter if you're old or young, poor or wealthy, good or less decent, love can come without any warning. And many times too, when it appears in a surprise, it leaves us wounded and hurt, especially when it goes away. Very far away.

Where does this put us anyway? The thing about love is that, it makes us passionate about someone or something, but love is not passionate with anything itself. It doesn't matter if it comes to the right or to the wrong person, it is not pertinent if it is attached to the good or evil, it just has to be somewhere. I guess this is one very question that can never be answered very truthfully: How do we know when a love is wrong? How can we be so sure when a love is right?

But no matter what is, one thing I am sure: 

Loving someone is human. 

So, I guess, we just have to cherish it when it comes.

Strains

My friend and I were searching for a theory that could be a basis for her thesis writing for her degree and we stumbled upon a theory that seemed to be very abstract and pointless at first, but offered a realistic view of human deviance. Strain Theory talks about how strains that humans experience in social structure, and how the interplay between socio-economic status and the resources to the attainment of social goals can very strongly influence people to resort to the wrongdoing.

Let me simplify it, people do bad things because sometimes they believe it's the only way to achieve a certain goal at that particular time. Doing my practicum at a conduct rehabilitation center, although every resident's story is different, but almost all stories share a common theme; they commit a crime in order to achieve something. Very rarely did they commit a crime because they felt like it, because of a hobby. When they realized that these illegitimate means of attaining their goals could be very fruitful, they settled with the comfort and experience and kept doing it for the outcome.

Try to think about it, if you see a case of juvenile delinquency, blaming the youth for the wrongdoing is not doing anyone any good. I ask myself, why would they resort to crime, knowing very well the possible consequences they might face? I believe the answer lies in the system. Try to answer these questions and then we might be a step closer to understanding juvenile delinquency in Malaysia.

1) Why do some people enjoy certain opportunities like education and some others don't?

2) In what ways does the Government make efforts to identify people with the unfulfilled basic needs?

3) Should we make education free in Malaysia?

4) Should we make basic utilities like water and electricity free in Malaysia?

5) Etc.

All of these questions show us how big of a role strains play in influencing a human's life. Basic needs, especially education is supposed to be easily available to every citizen in Malaysia. For me, the most practical solution in solving any problem, including juvenile delinquency, is education.

Free Will

"Free will is a gift you'll never how to use until you fight for it..."

This is a quote from a movie, "The Adjustment Bureau" that tells a story about a man who tries to fight all obstacles that come in his way in being with the love of his life. It sets a question that has been asked by philosophers and laymen altogether, "What is free will?"

I'm not a philosopher and I can never talk eruditely about philosophy whatsoever but this movie makes me think, how do fates and our free will interplay to create the life we have now? In an ordinary person's language, how many percents of influence and power do fate and free will have? I used to discuss with my friend about how if there is a "jodoh", you'll find your soulmate. We tried to answer the question, do we search for the partner of our life, or do we fight for him/her?

In Islam we are required to believe in Qada' and Qadar. These are the notions that our lives are predestined, but it doesn't mean we have to just let it be, we still need to make efforts upon something. What I understand is that (and please, if I'm wrong, feel free to correct me) everything is already written, and by our efforts and prayers, we can either stay in the presupposed condition, or we can "rewrite" it on the permission of Allah.

This movie really teaches me the value of fighting for your fate, or in a more familiar term, the value of fighting for your dream. I can't stop hearing people believing the notion that if it's too hard, it means you're not supposed to do it. Have you ever heard people say, "It's raining, it means we're not supposed to eat out..." or, "I failed again, I don't think I'm cut out for this," or, "You see, our car breaks down, it's a sign we're not supposed to go!" We are too easy to be tackled down and we're too easy to give up. But we rarely realize that giving up is a way of "writing" our fate for us to fail.

Remember this particular verse in Qur'an (the meaning is roughly translated from Rad : 11),

"Allah would not change the fate of a people until they change it themselves..."

When We Were Young

Take That released their mini album, with their single, "Love Love" being the theme song for X-Men's latest series part. Said that, this entry is not about Take That nor X-Men, but I'm particularly touched with one of Take That's song in their latest album, called "When We Were Young."

The main gist of the song is that when we children, everything seems simple and idealistic. We believe in superheroes and ultimate justice. We believe that good things happen to good people and that bad endings will always befall the unjust ones. We live in this fairy imaginations that guide our happiness and simplicity.

Yes, they are simple and colorful, but we as adults can learn so much from them. They are these "foolish fearless" who somehow only know the concept of consequences after doing something. I don't condone just doing things impulsively, but I don't condone living in fear too. Some of us, especially me, always worry about tomorrow and what it might bring us. In a way, these worries always stop us from really enjoying things.

As adults, we learn how to act in accordance to the results that will occur after that, but it can be too much that it's the only thing that we ever think of. I just wonder, are we too adult? Why is it so hard for us to see things as they seem, and to see every day as a dream? Rather we overanalyze things to be what they are not, and every day is a fearful passing time.

Balancing between your adult self and your inner child can be an art. How wonderful it can be if we know how to be careful, but see things as how children see... colorfully.