Falling In Love

Sometimes we wonder why some people are easily blinded by love. Because of a certain person, they could, as we always say to describe romanticism, "to swim across the seas, to pick the stars, and to walk across fire." A study has shown that love is a feeling that can neurologically suppress our reasoning and logical thinking. In a layman's words, love is a kind of an addiction.

Why not? When we are in love, walking feels like floating, the body seems to be really light, and the head is slanted slightly to the side while we tilt it upward. Everything seems so right, and minor setbacks are just, well, setbacks - nothing you can't handle. When you fall in love, your mind and your partner's seem to be on the parallel level of existence. That's why you could finish each other's sentences, and it seems like your interest is always also his or her interest. There's not enough time to talking! You can spend hours on the phone, in front of the computer chatting, and even writing a traditional mail.

When you're in love, the world is bright and the chirping of the bird sounds beautiful. You can't wait to tell everything that happens in your life to your partner - your increasing grade, your bitchy workmate, or even the chirping birds. And yet, you can't even wait to hear everything that happens in his or her life. There's always something to tell, yet there seems to be so much that still needs telling.

When you fall in love, no night passes by without you thinking about the person you're in love with. You wonder, "When can I go to the movies with him/her?", "Is he/she thinking of me right now?", "Will I ever get married to this guy/girl?" Because after all, this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You know that he or she is the ONE.

So, because of those, love is like an addiction. Just like any other drugs, it makes us feel good. No wonder every story in the media/books has the element of love, relationship, marriage, etc. Love is so pivotal in a human's life that the repeat of its importance in everyday life never bores the very humanity. If we can, we want to spend everyday of our life loving someone!

For me, while there is love to our family, to our friends, to our partner, to our God, there is also a unique role each plays in our life. We can never be enough with one type of love. Which is why in Prophet Muhammad's life, he was bestowed with the best of people around him that he loved so dearly. The journey that he partook was filled with the comings and goings of people that filled his life with such love and joy.

I sound lame in this entry, but love is lame, in a good way. Somehow I believe there is someone for everyone. There's no such thing as loneliness except when you are giving up. Loving is also a learning process, so don't be afraid to fail because afterwards, you are always a stronger lover.

There you go...

The Help

"God says we need to love our enemies... It [is] hard to do..."

Recently I just watched a film that depicts the lives of "colored" maids in the early 1960's. In the film, we can see characters with various personalities, most of them have something to do with discrimination and stereotype. We can see some characters who are inflicted with the most ridiculous kinds of stereotypical thinking ever. Hence because of that, one of the prominent storylines in the film is the belief that bathrooms for Whites and colored people need to be separate. In order not to sound stereotyped, the character having that belief asserts that although that has to be done, it is still equal, "separate but equal." Why do they have to be separate in the first place? It is because their stereotypical thinking tells them that colored people bring disease their people don't.

We also can see characters who are sympathetic to the maids like the main protagonist named Skeeter and a couple others. Despite the community's attitude towards colored maids, and even the legal endorsements related to the relationships between Whites and colored people, Skeeter has a different sets of belief, and she does not let stereotypes and difference of skin color determine who she can and cannot befriend with. In the film, she with other two maids write a book that tells the perspective of maids in Jackson, Mississippi - the good and the bad. And the book is finally published, but not without some repercussions.

In the film, the kind of stereotypes and discrimination that we can see is the explicit kind, the kind that usually existed in the era where our grandparents were still teenagers. But, don't be rest assured, because these phenomena still exist today, but because of the pressure of the media, the policies, and education, the modern kind of stereotype and discrimination now is more implicit. It means, these things are still in our head, but they stay in there. Malaysia is not exempted from racism issue, in fact it is steadily talked about because despite of being a real social issue, some politicians use it to hype up their own manifesto and popularity.

As a result, what I can see now is, rather than people of different races start accepting one another, they become suspicious and doubtful to each other, except this time, they sugarcoat it with friendliness. For me, the education on social issue of discrimination is important to teach the young that people of different backgrounds are not their enemies. But all the talk and fake assurance about solution of racism in Malaysia is not really necessary because for me the real solution is to "ignore" it. I know it doesn't sound intelligible but this time, ignorance can be a bliss. We ignore the hype-up, the fake talk, the racist remarks, and all, but instead we start living with each others and practice respect.

So, writing this entry is exactly the opposite of what I'm advocating, therefore I'm going to stop.

Hope

Positive Psychology is an interesting branch of psychology that seeks to find potential and strengths within humans. It is developed because too much of the rest of what psychology is learnt is something negative, unhealthy, or abnormal. So, rather than talk about what makes humans sick, Positive Psychology studies about what makes humans grow and survive.

One of the topics discussed by positive psychologists is the topic of hopes. Hope is a feeling where you are confident that a positive outcome will occur. According to psychologists, hopes are a response to the circumstances when things seem to be, well, hopeless, or impossible. Hopes keep us going when the only other choice that we have is to give up.

According to one of the most prominent authors about hopes is C. R. Snyder, who wrote a book titled, "The Psychology of Hopes" (2003). Snyder wrote that hopes have three mental components: Goals, willpower, and waypower. The goals are the end destination with certain measures of importance where we would like to end up. Willpower is the force of determination that drives us to the goals. Waypower, on the other hand, is the how-to of goals and willpower. We may have the destination in mind and the drive of it, but do we know how to achieve it?

I think waypower is what's wrong with so many people in this world (well, including me at some point). We all have imaginations, dreams, and hopes. We all face certain tribulations and challenges when it comes to achieving what is in our mind. But, do we really know how to achieve it? Many of us just become hopeless simply because when asked about it, "I'm just not sure what to do anymore..." If you keep thinking about it, there must be a way to achieve something. Ask yourself, have I researched everything about it? Have I figured out all the possible ways to achieve it? If your answer is "I'm not sure," then most probably you have not.

So, get off your butt and try to do something. Try to drive away the disappointment from accompanying the result of your hope. Chances are, whenever you hope, it's when it materializes. You just need enough actions to make it happen.

The Disease of Loneliness

There is a woman in her mid-thirties, who is a single mother with children. After her divorce, she has been relentlessly searching for men over the internet through chatting messengers. From an observation, her choice of men are usually the kinds that are adventurous and controversial, not in a good way. Until today, she has been dating with several men including a husband of someone else's, a fraud, and a drug dealer. Because of these men, she abandons her responsibilities as a mother, a daughter, a sister and a teacher at a school where she works at.

However, if living a life without men. she can actually be a good mother, daughter, a sister, and a teacher. For some reasons, when there is a man in her life, she becomes impulsive and out of control. She always leaves her children until late night, skipping her work days, and even lying to her parents. It is like adolescent years all over again. Because of men, she has done some serious things like burying a spelled material obtained from a witch doctor, having sex with multiple men, and even now there is a pregnancy scare.

When she was young, she is described by her parents to be rebellious and always sneak out at night to be with her friends. Among her siblings, she was always the one with the troubles. Because of being too conformant to her friends too, she dropped out of school of did not finish her last year. The worst she did after her parents exerted some control on her was attempting to commit suicide by slitting her wrist. Since then, her family became very careful at what they were going to say or do to her.

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What do you think about the story above? About the description of the woman above? A perception of a layman might judge her as an "insane, deadbeat mother," or "a woman stuck in her teenager mind." But for me, it is the disease of loneliness that makes her the way she is. From what I can see, she is in a constant need of connecting with someone, especially a man - and she could go to great length to make sure that she stays being connected. 

The thing is, she seems to be very clinical, with the impulse problem and suicidal tendency, so I ask myself, is there in any ways that loneliness can become clinical rather than a temporary condition? The loneliness or the need to connect with someone this woman is feeling is the kind that reaches the extreme line. While she is capable of being a good mother, sister, daughter, and at her work, she still could alter her personality to the most opposite degree, and abandon everything, just to be with a guy.

But all in all, I believe that loneliness is a very dangerous disease and nobody ever deserves to feel lonely. So, I'm calling everyone out there, don't take loneliness for granted. If you ever feel lonely, reach out to someone, or if you find anyone of your friend or family members show the signs of loneliness, then reach out to him or her. Loneliness is a disease that can grow out to a more serious unfortunate event, at which life can be at risk because of it.

The Death of Wang Yue

Have you ever heard of the case of an accident where Wang Yue, a Chinese little girl, who was run by two vehicles and it was reported that more than 15 people were passing by but none offered help? You can watch it here.

No, no, don't blame any nationality over this accident, blame the humanity, especially a certain psychological part of it that actually had been observed since 1964, the year where a woman named Kitty Genovese was tragically killed while the people in a building nearby, her neighbors and witnesses to the murder did not do a thing to help her. Since the murder of Kitty, social psychologists had acknowledged the threat of Bystander Effect, the condition where help is less likely to be offered when diffusion of responsibility is not clear. According to the theorists, Bystander Effect means that the more people are present in an emergency case, the less likely help is offered to the victim/patient/person in need.

Why do you think happened in the video above? My hypothesis is that, the market was a crowded place (although it did not seem crowded, but reports said that it was a busy place), so the accident was witnessed by a lot of people. When we are with people, we usually determine what happen by looking at the action of others. So, let's say there were 15 people in the accident place, each one of them looked at one another, wondering why nothing was done. When they couldn't answer the question, they resorted to the answer, "Maybe it is nothing..."

It is a tragic case, as was the murder of Kitty. I don't doubt it might happen to anywhere else in the world if the people are not educated on the threat of Bystander Effect. So, I'm making this entry, hoping that the few of you guys who read might understand what is happening and can do a little change.

A Thought on War

So, I was in Turkey for 12 days and this time, my friend, Aslam and I tried to be more courageous by traveling farther than our comfort zone (well, not really courageous as in we used a travel agent to do so), and we chose Canakkale as our choice of city to visit. But I'm not here to talk about my travel experience, although I might put it in here and there to support what I am going to say. My post here is largely about war, it's because what Canakkale is and what the city is known for.

So, Canakkale (or more specifically Gallipoli) was a place where War of Gallipoli between Turkey and ANZAC (Australian and New Zealand Army Corps) took place. We were told by the tour guide that this war was one of the bloodiest because of the large amount of casualties including young soldiers and medical officers. I'm not an expert in the history, but upon visiting the cemeteries of both the ANZAC and Turkish casualties, I was starting to see the reality of war and its effects.

My mind was occupied with the issue of war the rest of the day and I also had a debate about the necessity of war with one of the staffs at the hostel we were staying in. The staff was adamant on the necessity of war and said that war is the most suitable way to defend ourselves when our right is stripped from us. but I thought otherwise. Despite how large the mission is, I still believe there is an alternative to war, but of course I'm too small to be issuing my opinion because wars were/are the result of something much larger.

When I looked at the cemeteries and the words that people who loved the deceased wrote on the tombstone,  my heart broke. Despite the existence of the people they love, soldiers still decided to go out and love their country more (at which I do not say is wrong). Their patriotism was very strong perhaps because there was a strong leader among them that gave them the strength to do so. I respect these soldiers fully despite their religion and nationality.

But I hope in the future there is a way for wars to be prevented. Humanity is so much more important than the need to shed any blood. But if wars were still to happen, then...

Jealousy/Envy/Greed

So, I had an interesting experience debating very very briefly with some guys on a page in Facebook about jealousy and it stands in Islam. The original status said that if you were a good slave of God, you would not have even an ounce of feeling of jealousy because you would always be grateful with what you got. Yes, at face value, it is true, but the more I think about it, I guess we can see it from another perspective.

I started to think about it when a comment of that status said it was wrong because somehow the poster related jealousy with envy. So, let me ask you, is jealousy really envy? And then, on top of that, another poster said that jealousy is greed. So, let me ask you another obvious question, is jealousy really greed? Is jealous on the same zip code of envy and greed. For me, it is, but what differentiates my opinion and the status is that jealousy is not really all black. For me, there is "white" about jealousy.

Now, of course you have to be grateful with everything you have got, but do you have to be settled for it? No. You can feed your family with your daily income. Your family need $20 a day to survive, and you gain $20 to give them. Yes, be grateful, at least it's not below $20, but do you really have to be just grateful? Why can't you look at people around you who are better than you and be jealous of them, then want to achieve the better state that they achieve. You don't want to just be settled with $20, you want to be able to give your family more.

Now, another issue, is wanting more greed? Yes, I suppose. But is it a bad greed? No, I don't think so. If I were to use an Islamic example, Islam always asks us to be "greedy" for His mercy and blessings. So, why can't we be greedy on a better state of life, just as we are greedy to be a better slave of God?

For me, what is bad is simple. Jealousy, envy, and greed become bad when you believe that you should be on top of everyone and no other people should achieve the same way you do. And when people do, you start to do something bad to them that can make them fall down, or at the very least, you wish them to go down. To achieve for a better state does not belong to a specific person or group of people, everybody deserves to have a better state of life. In order to have that you need to be jealous of, envious for, and greedy for it. But in order to keep you humble and down-to-earth, you also need to have a good amount of gratitude in your heart.

Free Will Is A Limited Resource

When I was reading this book, "30-Second Psychology", I was intrigued by this one particular theory about willpower that was developed by Roy Baumeister that is called as Ego Depletion. This theory asserts that freewill is a resource that is limited and can be exhaustible. A study performed to see how long the participants could skip the delicious chocolate cookies placed on a table while asked to just eat a piece or two of radishes that were also there. Three groups were introduced: a group that did not have eating requirement, a group that was asked to only eat the radishes and skip the cookies, and the third group who was allowed to eat the cookies and skip the radishes.

In the same time, all participants were instructed to do a puzzle and told that they could quit anytime they want. The results showed that the group who was asked to skip the cookies quit the puzzle earlier than the other two groups. The researchers explained this that free will is limited by attributing it to the participants' report on being tired on having to keep resisting the cookies.

So, related to this, what should we say about ourselves? I would like to comment on the media in the modern world, at which advertisements on scrumptious unhealthy foods, sexual symbols, and many more are viewed before our eyes everyday. At the same time, obesity, eating disorder, rape cases, teenage pregnancy, and many more issues are increasing day by day. Can I safely say that these issues and the advertisements are positively related then? Based on this research, both might.

At this point, I honestly do not know for sure to whom we can place the burden of the issue. Is it really the parents? The media? The government? I guess it's all of them. But, perhaps more accurately is the individuals themselves who need to exercise the strength of their free will because the researchers reported although free will is exhaustible, practice can help an individual resistance to temptation stronger. But it's not easy as it sounds, is it?

Families

Today I had a conversation with two of my friends where we argue about how far our family could go to accept us. One side argued that no matter how dark, how deep, and how sinful/immoral what you have been hiding is, your family will accept you. But, another side (which was me), said that acceptance has its limit. No matter how a person is our family, his or her ground would be shaken if something is strong enough to shake it - which could result in a broken floor.

What do you think? Will your family still accept you if you used to, for example, um, (...searching for an example of a terrible secret) murdered someone? That you are a murderer? Or if have been having an affair with your sister's brother (or your brother's sister)? I know that my examples are too dramatic. But let's say you keep one of these secrets, will you be able to still stand by your family?

There is one case of sex reassignment case in Terengganu that was heatedly talked about recently by bloggers and major newspapers. No, I'm not here to argue if it is wrong or right, or if it is immoral. I was intrigued by the person's mother reaction toward his decision to change his sex. His mother gave a clear consent about the whole issue and supported her son all way long.

This is one example how families could go to great length to accept us. But for me, it is just one example. Maybe the mother in this case came from a liberal family, or maybe she had been exposed to a more opened world, or any other factors that could lead her to react positively like that. But for some other families, I am sure their reaction would be brutal.

But this one I am sure - no matter how lost you feel and confused you become, the one sure place you can always go back to is your family.

The Many Words for Love

A psycholinguistic theory asserts that the more prevalent something is in a culture, the more nouns are available to describe that thing. For example, if you ever heard about this, Eskimos have many words of snow that can describe snow in its different forms. I don't know what those words are, but apparently, their daily experience with snow makes them be able to appreciate snow more deeply than us.

Snow is not my point here, my point is the word "love." How many words in English that describe "love"? Fondness? Passion? Care about? I don't think so. But in Malay language, we have quite a few words that can describe "love," such as:

1) Cinta
2) Sayang
3) Kasih
4) Maybe suka?

What does this mean? Does this mean love is more prevalent in Malay culture than the English-speaking cultures? I don't think so, or at least it cannot be confirmed yet as so. I think this is a great language research that can tell us something about Malay culture that might be interesting.