Friendship Again

I don't know why I need to keep posting about friendships - perhaps it is one of the most constant matters that I have to deal in my life. Apparently, the more I learn about friendships, the more I don't know about them. The more I am experienced in handling friendships, the more dazzling they can be. It is like the levels have been upped just because I passed the earlier test. It's like a freaking game, with puzzles that I need to solve to ensure that I survive at the end.

I wrote a post about how we need to earn friendship, and some time later, I wrote about how we need to accept our friends as a whole, then we need to find friends who can support our identity. For this one, I would like to ask you to listen to Christina Perri's Distance (I know it is about love of two lovers, but I can totally see this being applied in friendship setting). From my perspective, the person who sings the song says that she has to keep a distance because her efforts to tell her friends that she loves them goes to waste. Apparently, there is no mutual feeling between them. The friends might be nice to the person, but niceness doesn't equal to closeness.

Have you had a friend who makes you feel like an ugly used rag? They'd remember you, listen to you, ask about you, when only they need to. They would easily, for example, tell you to cancel a lunch, or purposely forget that you ask her about something. For them , this might not be as impactful to you as they thought it would be, "He wouldn't mind," is exactly what they thought. Obviously they don't know you enough because some of you might think of a simple lunch as a big important friendship "event". Yes, some of you are lonely that way.

If you are lonely that way, you might be hurt. You might feel as if you are a used rag where you are used when only you are needed. You'd be thrown away to the side just because you are no longer of use anymore. Is this friendship?

The Not-So-Positive Positive Stress

Tomorrow my sister is getting married and while it should be a happy day, and it is for most part, it is also a day that proves positive stresses can also have backfiring effects on the affected person.

Some academicians categorize stresses as negative or positive stresses. Negative stresses are stresses that result from unfortunate events such as death, divorce, etc. It is reasonable to assume that negative stresses produce strains on our minds and body negatively. Only those with effective coping style could prevent these stresses from negatively affect their psyche and health. Positive stresses, on the other hand, result from events that are desirable - such as weight training, planning a holiday, and getting married. One would assume that positive stresses, while also have strains, produce a lot more good feelings. What do you feel when you are about to be married, for example? It must be good kind of anxiety, and euphoria, right?

Marriages are a universal culture, yet they are experienced very differently across places and ethnicities. Malaysia is a collectivistic country, thus we would be able to expect collectivism to be expressed by people involved in a wedding event. In a collectivistic culture, members are expected to cooperate with the community, to share ideas and exchange opinions among another. It is common for parents to exercise their authority in deciding what shall happen in a wedding of their children. Relatives also get together and sometimes help with decision. But what does this make the bride or the groom in terms of the decision making?

While collectivistism can be measured in a community as a whole, it is acknowledged that different person shows different level of collectivism. Also one individual has both collectivism and individualism expressed in different times and context. But I believe marriages are very personal, despite being in a culture that appreciates cooperation with other community members - therefore, the bride or the groom would be more likely to be more individualistic when it comes to their own wedding event.

This is what happened to my sister, she has to endure with the different angles of opinions, feedback, and even demands from different people. This positive stress has cost her negatively, mostly because she feels like she has lost some control over her decision making ability. We could and would expect this to happen, and I believe it happens in almost every wedding event in a collectivistic culture. So, understanding from both sides would be necessary to ensure smoothness. Coping styles, education on (or simply telling about) privacy, and communication are important components to healthy adjustment.

Unhappiness

So, like last post, I would like to begin with quoting several phrases about happiness, except this time, the phrases sound so common I don't know where they come from. Phrases like "Happiness is a choice," or "Happiness is a journey, not a destination," or any phrases that imply that happiness is as easy as wearing a hat actually, for me, mislead us from what happiness really entails. Look at "Happiness is a choice" phrase. If it is a choice, do you think many of us would choose to be unhappy? How about a phrase that asks us to "look at the bright side". I think that is pretty selfish. That person is inflicted with one of the pains in his or her life, and you ask that person to look from another angle? How ignorant is that? Glass is half full, instead of half empty? How if that half-full glass can't even begin to feed that person's children? Do you see how selfish that supposedly inspirational phrase is?

I don't think happiness is such an easy phenomenon. When you feel happy, there is this combination of feelings that you have inside that is so addictive. The feeling that makes us feel like this world is so beautiful and our life couldn't be more precious. So, what makes people unhappy? Is it because they choose not to feel like this world is so beautiful and their life couldn't be more precious? Happiness is, again, not a choice. Consider a case where a person who is lonely. Don't you think it's ignorant to say, "Look at the bright side. You are now not tied down by anybody. You are free! You can enjoy your independence!" Well, if I was that person who is said that to, I would do what Batman did to Robin in this comic..

If a person can't be happy until he meets his love life, or have a fulfilling career, or make amends with his best friend, then, happiness for them is when they achieve what they set their heart to. So, happiness is subjective. Rather than being cheesy about what happiness is, try to define happiness in a more personal level and help them achieve it, or cope with it in a less impersonal way. That's more important, don't you think?

Marshmallows and Juvenile Delinquency

Are you familiar with the famous marshmallow experiment by Walter Mischel in 1972? I have talked about this in another post, but in this post I would like to relate this experiment and its implication on juvenile delinquency. In this experiment, the researcher put children in a room with a marshmallow in front of them. Mischel told these children that they could eat that one marshmallow now, but if they could wait until the experimenter returned, they would earn another marshmallow. The findings showed that less than 40% of the children actually waited for the other marshmallow. According to Mischel, this phenomenon called as "delayed gratification" has a major implication on the cognitive and personality development of these children. 

Children who could wait for another marshmallow were described by their parents to be more confident and assertive, better in self-control, and more intelligent. What is more interesting about the findings too is that, when the children were presented with an object of gratification in front of them, and they were given a choice of refraining if they want more of this object, it caused a dilemma that caused this feeling of frustration, especially when the marshmallow was in front of them. So, the coping mechanism they used to refrain from eating that one marshmallow gave an understanding on individual differences in handling frustration. Some created a mental distraction by playing with their hands, some even attempted to sleep, and some others spoke to themselves. All these showed that children, even without guidance, are able to produce their own ways to control themselves. 

So, relating to my current interest, does this have a similar implication on adolescents who have the tendency to be delinquents? Do adolescents who have a less efficient self-control strategies are more likely to commit crime just to satisfy their current gratification? Are adolescents who could manage timely reception of rewards more likely to have a stronger defence against delinquency?

I a intended to conduct this research, but it might take quite some times. When I have done with the research, I'll definitely share the findings with the world. But this makes an interesting research findings, doesn't it?

Willpower Is Overrated

"If there is a will, there is a way..."

"If you can dream it, you can achieve it..."

"Impossible is nothing..."

These are among the popular phrases that emphasize on the power of will and dreams as a drive of a person to do anything. We grow up being taught that success only comes to hardworking people. Only those who make effort will reap the benefits. And only those who work for something that will achieve the result that they are dreaming of. Sure, it's a virtue that we need to instil in every individual. But, for me over-emphasis on willpower can create sense of hopelessness, especially when we don't consider that while willpower is powerful, environmental factors can be too.

Psychologists have acknowledged the fact that environmental or external factors are major factors to the development of a human being. Things like personality, aggression, helpful behavior, shyness, extraversion, and many more have both internal and external roots. Consider an example that someone is socially awkward and has difficulty making friends. The society would more likely to lean towards the notion that that person chooses to be shy and chooses to act on the shyness, so nothing should be blamed but him- or herself on the event of the person having less friends which results in loneliness.

This is called Fundamental Attribution Error.

This error is when we always consider personal reasons to be the cause of someone's behavior, ignoring the possible external factors that might chip in to the very behavior. Consider again the case of the shy person. There is a possibility that the shy person lives in a culture where self-independence and confidence is so valued that anyone who doesn't have that is alienated from the society. This shy person might do something to socialize, but coming from the said culture, the person whom this shy person approaches doesn't seem to reciprocate - resulting in the shy person to feel unrewarded with the effort. Again and again, slowly the motivation to change deteriorates, until finally the shy person succumbs to the situation, and be shy forever.

If you want to help this shy person, for me, the worst thing you could say to him or her is, "You must have the willpower! Without it, of course you'll go nowhere!" While willpower is a factor to the person's success in behavioral change, there are a lot of environmental factors (e.g. supportive friends and family, or an appreciative culture) that can help in the transformation.

I have focused heavily on a case of shyness in this post, but do remember that fundamental attribution error can happen in any instance, and it is one of the causes to difficulty in behavioral changes.

What do you think would our religion say about this?

Definition of Friendship

Recently I had a discussion with one of my colleagues and how he was dissatisfied with current situation of friendships in his life. He is not Malaysian, so it is logical for him to be a foreigner here and to expect closer relationship with people of the same nationality in here. But, instead, he felt like he was alone here and that he did not really maintain close friendship with the people of his nationality. The reason why he felt so was that whenever he ever needed a friend, his friend would always be busy.

So, I asked him what his definition of friendship was. For him, to be together, and to eat together, to hang out together, that is not his definition of friendship because everyone could do that. His definition of friendship entails being there for him whenever he is struck with real life problem such as a death of a family, or a difficulty in struggling in Malaysia.

I guess his definition of friendship is quite different than mine. I wrote an entry before, titled "Little Friendship" and I argued that to have a meaningful friendship with someone, we rarely need dramatic event to give us the realization of who our real friends are. The little things are always enough - remembering to invite this one person for lunch, saying "hi" followed with a personal greeting or a sincere "how are you doing" in FB, or anything that makes us feel appreciated and that someone actually remembers us.

Of course this is not the sole factor, but I believe the little things are often the starter to a more meaningful friendship because the little things provide the "comfort platform" for you to be more open and personal in your friendship. That is my definition of friendship.

Ramadan and Our Culture

It's Ramadan again! As usual, this time of year, Muslims will try their hardest to make sure that they benefit from this month as much as possible. They fast everyday, go to the mosque every night for Tarawih, try to do more charity, try to be less bad-mouthed, and try to instil virtues in heart. But sadly, there are also some Muslims out there who make fasting nothing more like a cultural celebration. And I think this is a major problem in Malaysia.

Fasting is not just about withdrawing from eating and drinking, but it's about refraining your whole body and mind from sins and bad things. Whenever it's Ramadan, TV and radio will always wish you, "Happy fasting!" But do you think when they wish that, they actually say that in full perspective of fasting in Islam? I have seen some Muslims who fast because it's cultural to do so, but at the same time, abandoning the obligatory prayers. My father also comments about how people keep praying congregationally for Tarawih (which is good), but they seem to abandon the obligatory ones.

Tarawih is also usually just very festive in the first half of Ramadan and after that, you can see that praying lines in mosques are slowly and gradually reducing. So, I was thinking that, making changes is not difficult, what's difficult is maintaining it. I'm not just speaking about others, but also about myself. I hope we all have the heart and strong mind to make self improvements and maintain those improvements even when Ramadan ends.

So, I would like to take this opportunity to pray that in this Ramadan, we will be blessed with strong and persistent faith, strong and persistent motivation to act on that faith.

How to Love Yourself

We have always heard that in order to be loved, we need to love ourselves first. So, how do you love yourself? I don't think this is an easy thing to do, because saying, "I love me, I love myself" again and again seems a little inconclusive. You can do something everyday but it doesn't mean you love it, right?

Ken Page, in his article in Psychology Today titled, "How To Love Yourself First", says that self-affirmation can work, if it is also supported by affirmations given by others. According to this author, what we need in order to love ourselves is to see that other people also appreciate a certain part of ourselves that we feel insecure about. For example, you are insecure about your shape. You keep saying you are beautiful again and again and again. But if at the same time, others say that you have a less-than-attractive shape, or that you could be much better in terms of weight, or similar words implying that you are not beautiful, your self-affirmation can be defeated.

This, again, emphasizes the importance of searching for good friends who can simply accept us the way we are. Ken Page says that, while it is not wise to create a false self, it is understandable when various other people reject our true self and then we feel forced to create a false one. More and more we feel and are rejected, we keep our true self inside, creating a wall between people and us. The trick is to find a person who you can feel absolutely safe with sharing your true identity. But for me, this is the hardest thing to do. No wonder despite self-affirmations, some of us keep falling in the pit of self-hatred so often than not.

Sharing our true identity with a trusted person can be a tricky thing to do. 1) How to find that trusted person? What if the wall we have built is so high, even ourselves can't tear that down? How can we invite another person to see our true self then? 2) What if our true identity is something of a cultural taboo? What if sharing our true self will make it more likely for people to abhor you, even your family?

It turns out to be more difficult than we thought to love ourselves, right?

Fear of Crime?

A 2010-2011 survey by TNS Research International commissioned by PEMANDU (Performance Management and Delivery Unit) showed that fear of crime among Malaysians have reduced. The sample for the research was randomly selected from Malaysian population who are above 18 years old. According to them, this is a reflection of how well the police have done their job and how well they have made sure that the Malaysian people feel "safer." But I think , there's more important notion to look than fear of crime.

1) Reduction of fear of crime is not an indication of the reduction of number of crime cases. By definition, fear of crime is different than the actual probability of being victimized. According to research, people who are more probable to be victimized have less fear of crime than people who are less probable to be victimized. As a result, while one group lives in fear, the other group lives freely with the chance of being robbed, or injured, or more unfortunately, murdered, is actually higher. So, shouldn't we deal with that than measuring fear of crime? I'm not saying fear of crime is not important, it does have its own psychosocial implications. But we have been focusing one aspect of criminality and victimization, we forget to share the concerns with other variables that can be as pertinent too.

2) The conclusion made by the statement by TNS that this reduction of fear of crime reflects the performance by police can be premature. While it can be true, but fear of crime is contributed by a lot of factors than police performance. It can be personal victimization (which is not generalizable), neighbourhood characteristics, and also mass media. People who watch a lot of crime films, for example, and have high sensitivity towards exposure to criminal behaviors can have their fear of crime affected. So, again, it is inconclusive and further research needs to be done.

3) The sample was claimed to be randomly picked according to state proportions. But nothing is mentioned if they consider places that have been "black-listed" because I think to live in a neighbourhood that has high rate of crime can affect their level of fear of crime. Should we generalize the level of fear of crime in, say, a crowded Petaling Street to the people who live in a calm breezy village in Penang? There are reasons why some places are have higher number of crime cases than other, and these should be considered in drawing any implication.

So, for me, I've learned that almost nothing is contributed by one factor. Every event in the world is influenced by multiple agents, only what differs is the degree. What influences more than the other. This includes fear of crime, victimization probability, crime rates, and many more. Researchers who have the intent to publicize their findings as a way to back-up a PR stunt need to realize this.

Blaming Others

Yesterday, I attended a postgraduate colloquium and various people including supervisors and ex-students share their experience and talk about GOT (graduating on time). One speaker that GOT my full attention was the director of ISDEV, Professor Dr. Muhammad Syukri Salleh. ISDEV is a division that gathers various students and lecturers who are interested in Islamic studies.

In his speech, I could see that he emphasized a lot about two things, 1) the importance of always coming back to our Creator, 2) and the importance of always having good friends.

He said that there are a lot of factors contributing to why sometimes we feel difficulties that seem to never stop. The challenges that inflict us seem to get stronger everyday, and we get weaker. The first that we need to notice is our attitude: Do we blame others a lot? Or do we blame ourselves? When we start pointing fingers to people other than our own selves for the suffering that we have, one by one the doors to solving that problem will be closed. So, he recommends never to blame the rain, or a problematic friend, or an angry supervisor - if you have the will to work it out, God will open the door of resolution for you, one that you might not quite expect it. So, by looking at our own selves for the problems that inflict us, we automatically start the self-reflecting state that can actually enhance our spirituality. So, in short, it's important to go back to who created you, which is God.

He has methods for PhD students under his division who are struggling to complete the dissertation. In his division, the students are required to have weekly meeting where they will discuss about their progress and at least socialize. This is important because during doctoral education, the main person you'll ever meet in regular basis is your supervisor, the rest you will spend alone in the library or at home/room. If you are a sociable person, then you might go to the mosque to pray congregationally, but then, that is if you have friends who also pray congregationally in the mosque. PhD students practically lose many sociability resources that usually come from co-curricular activities and attending classes for undergraduate students. So, by holding these weekly meetings and other various social activities, PhD students will get more supports. So, this way, stresses and pressure can be handled more effectively.

He calls his methods heart-to-heart supervision, and I believe that this method can help students manage their progress alongside their colleagues and friends. PhD journey shouldn't feel alone, yet most of time feel like it is a lonely journey. So, the things to remember, return to who your Creator is, and go get some good friends whom you can do some social activities ever now and then.