Prejudice is Helpless!

Ugly feelings are out there. No matter how deep we hide them, no matter how much we deny their very existence in our sole hearts, and no matter how much we resent their stepping in our own mental zone, but they are there. When we go around, we always see people denying the ugly feelings that they have; like hating cute babies (because babies are supposed to be loved), despising minorities (because equality is supposed to be believed), feeling like our mother's yapping has been too much and annoying (because we should be an obedient son or daughters), or disfavors own country (because there is what they call 'patriotism'), and many more.

Lately, I am attacked with these feelings where if I express them out loud, people will be gasped with terror, with a face like I just ate a child. Especially when one of my close friends just admitted something that made me rethink about our friendship status. The whole night, when we were talking about it, I was acting fine, because, well, as a friend, I was supposed to understand him. But, more and more the time passed by, I couldn't help but to feel very much prejudiced towards him.

It is one ugly feeling that I have, whose existence most people would strongly deny, because it's an ugly feeling - It's disgust. It's disgust towards something I'm not supposed to...

Or am I?

One Marshmallow Now, or Two Marshmallows Later?

Last 3 days, I met with a very nice elderly woman who has a life, as said in a Malay idiom, "Kais pagi, makan pagi, kais petang, makan petang" which means that whatever you gain in the morning will be what you eat in the morning and whatever you gain in the afternoon will be your food in the afternoon. She has been planting grass under the sun, being a maid at many houses, etc. This elderly woman has been working hard to make sure that her children are fed, clothed, and schooled. And something about what she said twitched my conscience. She, very calmly, said, "I once said to my children, go for your dream, study and be very educated, so you wouldn't be having jobs like what I had."

I always had the idea that when your parents are financially strapped, it is always an honorable and huge sacrifice when the first sibling or the first son dropped out of school to work and gained some money, but not after she said the above-mentioned. In this world of knowledge and literacy, how far can you really go and gain, or how long would it be if you can go that far? It'd help your parents in the short-term but will it be any more of help in the future?

No matter how troubling our parents' financial condition is, but your parents wouldn't be selfish by not letting you to continue your education, because I believe every good mother and father has a universal motto that "no matter how hard it is, we'll find the resources to keep it going."

If you really want to help your parents, work hard in your education and be somebody who can finally afford your parents' lives, make them feel the most comfort in their lives. This is what we call as impulse control (Plante, 2010), "one marshmallow now, or two marshmallows later?" A research has been done that children who chose to have two marshmallows later are more likely to succeed in their future, as in they know how to control their impulses from immediate gratifications.

InsyaAllah, where there's a will, there's a way - so believe it, rizq is everywhere.

Reference:
Plante, T. (2010). Two words to remember to maximize success and satisfaction in life: Control impulses. Retrieved on 16th May 2010 from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/do-the-right-thing/201005/two-words-remember-maximize-success-and-satisfaction-in-life-control-

The Power of Now

Maybe some of you have heard a book titled, "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. I am neither promoting nor have I read this book, it is just the title has been really giving me a lesson lately. Alhamdulillah, in my recent life journey, I have been blessed with some fortunate events that really make me happy. I am very grateful to Allah for this and I pray that He will prolong these events and make them stay 'til the rest of my life.

But, have you ever experienced the phenomenon where your mind is deliberately trying to sabotage you, that  you being happy is not supposed to happen. No, I'm sure that mind is NOT that tricky, but I believe this comes from past experience that might have just made you felt so insecure and paranoid about your future. When you always experienced that good things in your past always ended up turning bad, you might not believe in life anymore.

But then, have you ever considered the possibility that things turning bad might be so because you were so focused on bad things that might happen in the future? Being very insecure is very unattractive and can drive people away, and drive you away from the good likelihood per se. The only solution is for you to appreciate the elephant that exists in your moment - the now. Aren't you feeling happy now? Aren't you feeling like on the nine clouds right now? So, enjoy it! It's an art not everyone can master. Forget about future - the only one you think about is how you can harvest the now to make sure the future can be lived in an expectably nice manner.

So, enjoy the now!

p/s: By the way, this is my very good friend, I just want to dedicate this post for him.

Bad Conclusions about Turkey!

Finally, after a 'grueling' session of relaxing myself after a long and tiring flight journey from Istanbul to Doha and Doha to Malaysia, I got myself back again, typing for this entry, about Turkey and my many opinions about it.

Turkey -- Generally, it's very hard for me to find one person who can speak in, at least, broken English with me. Communications with salesperson, or assistants in any place, or almost anywhere in at least Istanbul (well, of course in Grand Bazaar you can find many English-speaking Turks because a lot of foreign shoppers are there) can be very difficult. Oh! And they are bad drivers! Bad, bad drivers with no patience whatsoever, and just drive across roads even when pedestrians are there crossing the roads. Because of the speed, I even watched live a small accident of a car hitting behind another car.

But, if the language and driving attitude already made you think Turkey is not worth it to be visited, think again. A lot, and yes, a whole lot other sides of Turkey and Turkish people can glue you to your own stay at the country. I love every other parts of Turkey when I was there. For example, one thing that amazed me was the fact that there was almost no gap between people of high ranking and people below them. I met with a lot of Turks who have achieved a lot of things - the mayor, the doctors, the managers, etc. But none of them actually deliberately tried to show us the fact that they're higher than us.

In Malaysia, especially the ones who already have PhD, many of them have this "I'm more superior than you, so you must speak with me in certain manners," or "I'm a doctor, you're a degree holder, so control your gazing, and don't touch me," or "I'm a doctor and who says you can call me or SMS me?" In Turkey, even the mayor offered us hugging and the PhD students talked with us like we were their brothers. They could make jokes, and we could have a conversation with them. We were not bombarded with the emphasis, "call me doctor, don't call me something else," or "why do you call me with that title?? It's inappropriate!" It is supported with the fact that everyone is honored with ONE title, which is "Abi." We call the person to whom we respect with his name followed with Abi. Like they called me Taufik Abi.

So, now, I have a very bad conclusion about Turkey after this trip. I fell in love with the culture and environment (although the weather made my lips and nails area dry as a desert) and I have a new dream - coming along with my dream to study at the country - that now the conclusion is, I want to migrate there and be a citizen. It might just be a dream that's afraid of waking up, or it might be a dream that comes true in the next morning, but I'll keep dreaming and if Allah wills, it'll soon be realizations. InsyaAllah.

Sorry that "Hujan emas di negeri orang, hujan batu di negeri sendiri, lebih baik di negeri sendiri," saying doesn't apply to me.

Everything Has Its First

On Sunday, 18th April 2010 at 9.30 a.m. I will be departing by Qatar Airways to Turkey. I decide that today, I should write something about it because this is kind of a huge deal for me. This is my first flight, and this is my first time stepping on a land that is not called Malaysia. This is my first time looking at clouds beneath me. This is my first time visiting a country that has been a dream since I was first introduced to it in my first year at university.

People traveling abroad often keep complaining about jet lags, panicky flight, bumping heartbeats, feeling like they're constantly being thrown up and down on the Space Shot at Genting Highlands. I don't know how it's much better or worse for me out there, but what I'm sure is, this is my first time experiencing those. The next time when people talk about feeling sleepy in the daytime, and wakeful in the night time after traveling, I'd know how to jump in and contribute my piece of mind.

Well then, 'til we meet again. See you in May. Wish me luck in my travels.

Little Friendships

"It's the little things that only I know. Those are the things that make you mine..."

Westlife's Flying Without Wings has been going around my head in this past few days. Perhaps because there is something that these two lines I quoted above want to tell. These past few days too, my thoughts have gone back and forth about the real deal with friendships.

If you take a look at any TV shows, what is the first thing that glue two friends together? It's more likely the huge conflict, life major problems, accident, fire incident, being kidnapped, murder, etc. Usually when big thing happens between the two friends in TV, then they become closer to each other, or develop best-friendship.

But in real life, the different thing is counted for. Take a look again at the lines I quoted above, and what do you understand from these lines? If you guess it right, it's about how small things, not major occurrence, but small things, like liking the same food at one particular cafe, or having the same opinion about human trafficking, always bumping into each other at a corner of a building, liking the same sports, knowing that he doesn't like jams on waffle, or learning that she likes to add colors in notes; all these things that are actually more likely to glue two friends together.

So, if you think that it's no biggie, that it doesn't matter, that that one friends wouldn't care, think again. Perhaps tagging your friend in a little note or status in Facebook, including one friend in a mass funny sms, saying 'hi' in e-mail, treating one friend a small warm cookie, sharing with your one friend a cool mango milkshake, or sitting down for awhile when bumping into your friend in cafe; all these do matter, more probably unconsciously, than consciously.

That said, take your time appreciating your friends by doing the little things that matter more because,

"Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things"

Clairvoyant Much

Something TV-ish happened to me a few days back when I was trying to get stamps for authentic copies for photocopies of my documents at Turkish embassy. When I went there, my Turkish friend, Alparslan helped me liaise with them and from their facial expression and voice tone, it didn't look or sound good. There were two officers working on that day and both of them had been amazing without my knowledge, especially I thought they were doing horrible job.

When one of the officers finally spoke to me in English, she said that to obtain stamps of authentic copies, RM35 was chargeable for each document and since I had 6 documents on that day, she charged me RM210, which was far beyond than my capacity. My face turned to something that technically showed, "I am strapped with money, lady! How am I supposed to pay it??" She actually could read it and asked Alparslan how my financial condition was. Of course he answered it wasn't good.

Then, because of my emotions, I became blind and somehow my emotions had been overinflated that I had the constant need to raise my voice to the level of yelling. The amazing part of these officers were they kept their professional and polite sense that they never reacted to my yelling. Then I went out to the place and I made it clear to Alparslan that I wanted to cancel all applications (yes, that was how emotional I was). Alparslan said that there must be something that we could do, there must be a solution. I made myself clear once again that it wasn't fixable and that NOTHING could be done to fix it.

Then, something hit me when Alparslan asked, "Okay, Taufik, tell me what kind of a solution that you really want to happen now?" I replied that those stamps were to be given for free, because of many good reasons I'd not want to list down now. Suddenly, a few minutes later, one of the officers called Alparslan and informed that he had talked to some people and I didn't have to pay for the stamps. He apologized for the inconvenience. I was very taken aback and never really thought how God materialized your prayers so quickly that way. I honestly believed how impossible it was for the solutions to happen, but then I hadn't learned that we weren't that much of a...

CLAIRVOYANT

No, we all are not clairvoyants. At best, we could predict the future by our knowledge in the past and present. Who are we to say what can or can not happen? Who are we to put ourselves in the position of giving up? We DO NOT deserve to give up. Perhaps that's why what is asked in the Day of Judgment is how much effort we have spent, not what we have got out of those efforts.

Then, I guess the common advices that I can repeat here after your sister, mom, or boss have said are be positive, and don't give up. It's as simple as it sounds, isn't it?

Be a Control Freak!

Someone says,

"I don't know how to start..."
"Let me make a cup of coffee first..."
"I can't study with a blunt pencil, I want to sharpen it first..."
"Lemme read my e-mails first."
"I have another 10 hours to go, one hour of sleeping won't hurt."
"He's a man, he should make a move first!"
"I think the post office is close today..."
"I'll just start dieting in April, only one day to go."
"The job's a sale. I don't want sale."
"I wish I could go to Aquaria..."
"(Waking up and yawning) 5 more minutes... (ZzZzZz)"
"(After Mom pestering about cleaning the house) I'll get right on it! After this one Youtube video!"

So, what common thing do you think all these line (which are excerpted from me myself and people around me) are implying? Yes, they all show us PROCRASTINATION...

                                                   This art is basically my way to procrastinate... *sigh

Basically, procrastination is delaying something that can rightfully be done right about now. Usually, procrastination is associated with time, such as "5 more minutes," or "tomorrow" but most people don't realize that procrastination can be virtually almost anything, any form of activities that hold us back from doing the thing.

My latest procrastination is line no. 8. I was asked to accept a part-time job at KL. I told myself, go for it, don't say no. Then, when I went there, suddenly I was understood that the part-time job was sale for product "Skor A" under the Ministry of Education. The job was quite fine (well, I only thought so after I decline the offer) where I had to go to major universities and try to promote the products. I love universities so until now why I declined the offer, I couldn't decipher. Wait, my reason was I hate sales...

In my humble opinion, one thing related to procrastination is a lack of control in life. We let issues like "hating sales," or "blunt pencil," or "hungry stomach" control whether or not we're moving on that particular time. I regret until now that I didn't accept the part time offer while I knew completely how I need money to go to Turkey in April.

Therefore, to remind myself and the readers out there, lessen the tendency to procrastinate. Take control of your life, well, be a control freak on this, I think it's acceptable. One research has shown that happiness is enhanced when you perceive more control in life.

Take a look at this video (hope that it's not one of my reasons procrastinating from revising the driving lessons book now)...

What Makes Us Happy?

On March 19, 2010, in the IIUM, precisely Experimental Hall at the administration building, happened an event that marked an important moment in my life, To be honest, I did frown upon a little bit when asked to perform a poem reading onstage at that night for a Maulud Rasul program. The moment I got a call from Alparslan, a Turkish friend of mine, I did say to myself, "please just get me out of that night fast!" Sorry Alp...

But, things changed a little bit when I attended the first rehearsal day. I met new friends, re-met old unknown friends, patched things up with a long-lost friend and I did catch up with old known friends too. The second day of rehearsal, things became a little bit more fun. I still didn't realize this fact though, as me reading a poem in front of other people for the first time of my life was very unimaginable.

Then the day came, where everybody was busy preparing, rehearsing, and decorating, well the hall that is. I was aware that I experienced this kind of elevated feelings, as if I was high of some drugs. I was thinking, perhaps it could have something to do with the nervousness. I socialized more and talked more with people. I tried to shift my attention to other people, as doing so could make me feel less nervous, but I still felt elated and shaky a little bit. Then, the night went on as it was planned, I did my performance, as did everyone else. Then, we proceeded to refreshment session where we socialized even more. And I was still euphoric (except I didn't know that it was euphoria).

Then the night ended, everyone had to go back to their own place. I realized something, that I became a bit down and devoured, and accidentally said to myself, "wait, it's finished?" and when I muttered those words, it struck me. I was happy, I was euphoric, I was elated. I was, fill in the blank with words that mean similarly to the first three I mentioned. It wasn't much about being nervous, it was so much about doing things that I was HAPPY about which were,

1) Doing seemingly impossible things.
2) Making new friends, retying broken friendships, and strengthening old ones.
3) Being in a group of people where respect was mutually exchanged.

So, yes, researches have shown a lot of variables that are generally associated with happiness such as, religion, substance, relationships, or even money. But for me, happiness is acquired in a more personal level. We personally know better ourselves what is it that makes it easier to carve a smile on our face. Happiness is something that other people should not tell you about, it is known when you learn about yourself and do things that is out of your comfort zone, because we always have a more capacity than meets the eyes.

So, hold your chest, close your eyes, and ask, "what makes me happy?"

*********************

I would like to personally thank my friends, Fatih, Alparslan, Remy, Harun, Askar, Revsan, Abulikemu and others who were involved in the program, because you guys, every single one of you, mentioned or not, made my day!

My Candle, Your Candle

They say that,

"blowing out the other person's candle will not make yours shine any brighter."

Perhaps it will contribute to the illusionary effect that only your candle will have its light lit up all over the room, but the fact is, the degree of its spectrum will be just the same.

In light of this metaphor, I would like to talk about a sad phenomenon in human psychology that is related to our need to blow out other person's candle to unleash the illusion that our light is the one that's spread out in space. Putting other people down is very common in organizations, universities, etc. A simple way to do this is by making another person look bad by mocking him in front of others, and worse cases could be enraged taste of revenge - whether or not the act is justified or not.

When I was working at a call centre, just like every other agent, we made some mistakes. Some customers could let go of those mistakes and forgive upon apology, but some customers could go on to amazing lengths to make sure that his disappointment was heard. The angry customer would make extra efforts to write dozens of e-mails with explicit name of the specific agent, call everyday to follow up with the case, and ensure the complaints lodged arrived at the desk of the superior. If their intention is to improve the quality of job the agents make then it should be honorable, but unfortunately, it was also very obvious that they intended for the complaints so something bad would happen to the agents in question.

So, this brings us back to the original question - why do people take every possible measure to ensure that other people will be down - whether or not the revengeful act is justified? A lot of research have been conducted to see if the myth is true that revenge can serve as a punching bag - a way to relieve anger. Well, that is why it is a MYTH, because revenge will only hurt more than relieve (Kirschner, 2009). According to the author, revenge increases the risk of health problem and stress. 

The opposite of revenge, which is forgiveness can always cure the malady in an angry heart. In one research, individuals who forgive more often are observed to have less increase in blood pressure and to less likely make medical visits (Pirisi, 2000). Why? Because the act of revenge makes the person to concentrate on the rage and until the perpetrator's candle is blown out, he will never feel satisfied, furthering more rage.

So, to certain extent, forgive - it will grant serenity on your side...  

References:

Kirschner, D. (2009). Relationship advice: Revenge not taken. Psychology today. Retrieved on 11th March 2010 from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-true-love/200909/relationship-advice-revenge-not-taken

Pirisi, A. (2000). Forgive to live. Psychology Today. Retrieved on 11th March 2010 from http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200007/forgive-live