Love

Last night, my friends and I were talking about how the past love life can make someone's current love life right now as how it is. Many of my friends are now settling down with a stable partner whom they will spend the rest of their life with (Ameen!). But one common factor that brings all of them to where they are right now is they have all been hurt.

I watched Raising Hope, episode 18 where Maw Maw, one resident of the house who has Alzheimer's disease, said to her grandchild,

"They wouldn't call it falling in love if you didn't get hurt sometimes."

That is true. That is a spot-on statement about love. And that message made me smile and hopeful about everyone's love life. Where in the world can you actually find a person who settles down with their first love? Even if there are, there must be some obstacles that this couple has to overcome. There must have been ups and downs. There must have been hurt. But then, all these challenges taught them a lesson and matured them. Although it was painful to bear the tears and sadness, but you most likely right now would just look back with a smile.

So, a message for everyone out there, if you guys feel lonely, if you feel like you are not succeeding in your love life, if you feel like it is a lot of work, remember, always remember, it is now. There will be a time in the future (God's willing) where the pain you feel right now is a distant memory in the future.

Just keep holding on.

Sometimes, We're Trying So Hard Not to Be Judgmental

Several days ago, I had an academic debate with one of my friends. The proposition was as follows: "Should social worker just comply to what the client WANTS?"

My friend was a supporter of the notion that social workers should respect everything that the client wishes to do and if possible, to help the client to get it too. The example topic that we discussed was a man who had a high blood pressure but still wanted to eat red meat. So, my friend said that it is a social worker's responsibility to present to the client the pros and cons of every option and decision and after that, it is up to the client on what he or she wishes to choose. Even if he chose to still eat red meat, then social worker needs to respect that.

And I am a believer of the notion that sometimes, you have to tell the client that some of what he or she wants is not good for herself. So, even if the client still wanted to eat red meat, the social worker's task is to do whatever he or she could to try to prevent it (in ethical manner of course).

You see, I think both my friend and I were somehow true in our arguments. My friend was arguing on the basis of avoiding judgment getting in the way of intervention, because when the social worker tries to prevent the client from eating red meat, that might be just purely the social worker's own belief about what is right and what is wrong. While I was arguing on the ground that advocates on his social functioning. That eating red meat might hinder him from being healthy, which might affect the dynamics of his family, his work and whatever else effect health issue had on the client's life.

What I can observe is that, Social Work has values that can be so extreme (which is caused by the social workers themselves). These values, at one point, can be contradictory to each other. In one hand, we are asked not to be judgmental and not to exercise our own belief and judgment about what is right and what is wrong in the interventions we are developing for our clients. On the other, we are asked to ensure that our intervention is solely on the purpose of attending to the client's need and ensure that the client's social functioning is enhanced, or restored.

So, the question here, are we trying so hard not to be judgmental? Are we trying so hard not to let the personal value comes in until we're completely detached from the practice itself? For me, personal value can be useful in certain degree.

1) When a social worker has personal values, it means the social workers has experienced moral development that can help him or her see the right and wrong thing in general. Of course, by doing this, the social worker needs to be scientific and backs up the argument with scientific support. The social worker must have the knowledge about what red meat might do to a person with a high blood pressure. So, his personal value is that red meat is bad for the client. So, consulting a doctor, the social worker develops an intervention that has something to do with a healthier diet. Then, one of the responsibilities of the social worker is that to prevent the client from further harming himself with the red meat diet.

2) Personal values are somewhat the end result of professionalism. Without the ability to store a moral memory, then how do the social workers understand the importance of professionalism in the first place? Personal values can be beneficial in practice, because for me, if you really want to help your client, you must have compassion, and compassion is a personal value. Therefore, what I can conclude here is that what the literature has said about how personal values can hinder from professional practice is the ones that involve biasness in decision making like when you have revenge on the client, or even when, for me, you are indifferent with the client. So, let's ask ourselves, if you have to be indifferent with your clients, how do you actually help them? So, at the end of the day, you still need to be compassionate and passionate with what you're doing right? Isn't that a personal value?

So, for me, an extreme form of everything is bad. So, extremely being non-judgmental, and extremely relying on your personal value can be bad equally. If you really want to be in a helping profession, then make sure you check that your moral compass is in a healthy level. And of course, all this is based on my personal thoughts.

You Are Not Superior When You Forgive

Do you notice a lot of people feel superior at the event of forgiving and their counterpart apologizing? Without being too scientific, when a person forgives and feels that forgiving means he or she is on the "right" side, this actually backfires and can ruin the newly fixed relationship.

It's one thing not to want to forgive because you feel you've done nothing wrong (which is a form of superiority), then when you actually forgive, you feel like the whole relationship should be adjusted to the way you want it to be. You set conditions, and expecting that the conditions are fulfilled without any possibility of amending. I knew this one person, who after forgave her friend, set a condition, "I'm glad that we're okay now, but we can't be like before, at least not now." Try to deeply analyze this sentence. Upon hearing this, I wonder why does she have to preset the condition? Why can't she let it be as it is? When I usually made amends with my friends, I know I can just let it be, as in if we can't feel close yet, so we can't feel close yet, if we can rekindle already, so we will rekindle. Why do I want to set it to "no rekindling and feeling close like before yet" no matter if it's possible or not? Do you see my point?

You see, if you feel like you're "more noble" than the other person because you're forgiving, then don't. Don't forgive at all. Don't bother to think about "finally replying your friend's apology message because it's time for you to forgive". There is no time for you to forgive, it's now. If you think you should be the one who set the time, then, again, don't bother.

Just my message to superior-feeling pricks in the world, especially in Malaysia. I hope I do not belong in this category and I hope my dear friends who color my life currently, do not belong in this category too.

The Inevitable Bitterness

Oh my, this past few days, I really really can't stop Take That's The Flood from going around my mind serenading to my recent experience. Well, as I said, it might be due to the fact that the song fits perfectly well to what is happening to me right now. I lost a good friend, to simply put. What I really don't understand is how each day both of us become bitter and bitter. Everything happened between us. Well, she forged questionnaires of a research that we both supposedly had to work together. We tried so hard to hurt each other. I tried so hard to make sure that she got the point I had been making all this while. I decided to hurt her even more by reporting her to the supervisor of ours. Yes, we did all that. We did all the bitterness. We were the epitome of true cat-and-dog kind of fight who can't seem to forgive each other. Everything, except one. Except sit and talk. Just sit and talk.

You see, when I think about the evolution of our friendship - from close and good friends to two bitter nemeses who keep trying to prove a point - I realize something, I did not do what I preach. If you remember my entry, Contact Hypothesis, where I advocated the point where one person can find his prejudice and unreasonable disliking diminished by simply having an interpersonal contact with that hate target. It takes knowing - or reknowing - that person we dislike in order to be able to open up for a friendship, or forgiveness in my case.

What both my friend and I did all this time was avoid significant contact with each other and make sure that if there was anything to refer to, we made it as brief as possible. So, this was the disease that prolonged the bitterness all the way. I also contributed the part where the nemesis of mine felt as if there was no hope so a reconciliation, by my own behaviors.

So, I'm preaching again here. Take this as a lesson. Do not let fear obscure your goal to achieve good relationship with people.Do not let ego in your way of forgiveness. If you, my nemesis, happen to read this, please be assured that I am genuinely sorry for all the hurt and harm that I've done. Forgive me as I have forgiven you. If God wills, I hope we can be able to see each other in the eyes again and smile...

A List of Songs That Inspire Me

Ok, my whole life I have been listening to songs. Some are bad, some are listenable, and some others just stand the hell out and put themselves in the favorite songs folder that I have. These songs are not just amazing melodically, they inspire me, which is an important characteristic for me to stick to listening a song for a long time, perhaps for the rest of my life. By the way, these is the list that pick me up when I am down.

1) Kelly Clarkson - Breakaway

From my own interpretation of the song, it tells a story of a girl who couldn't wait to break out from the shell and go out and explore the world. She was a nobody until she achieved something and a lot of people respected her for that. It basically tells us that you just need to keep doing it until you "reach the sky".

2) OneRepublic - Marchin' On

This song compares the life journey that never gets exhausted (well, except death of course) to a marching squad. The whole song is embellished with the sound of foot marching forward, hence the point of this song. From what I understand, this song tells us that no matter how crappy our past is, no matter how many mistakes we made, no matter how big or small they are, we are still here, moving forward. More than likely, we'll look back and smile.

3) Outlandish - Try Not To Cry

This songs captures my feelings of the war between countries in the world so perfectly that in some occasions, tears are shed. What makes me relate to this song is the one verse it says in the lyrics, "How can it be? Has the whole world turned blind? Or is it just 'cause it only affected my kind?" And I, the writer of this blog, belong to the kind that it said in the song.

4) Coldplay - Fix You

The vocal of this band, Chris Martin, originally wrote this song because of his wife's, Gwyneth, father's passing. The song basically tells the listener that the singer will always be there for her forever. What attracts me to the song is the anthemic characteristic of the song that penetrates straight to my heart. It tells the listeners that don't give up because "lights will guide you home".

5) OneRepublic - All Fall Down

What's so inspiring about this song is that it is very realistic. What it is trying to tell the audience is that, if you ever fall down, don't lose hope because well, everyone falls down. It is true actually. Who in the world has tasted a lifelong happiness? Noone! Whatever we feel, whatever we experience, it'll last so long. But the important thing is, to find someone whose should you can rely on when you fall down to help you stand up again.

6) Take That - The Flood

Take that has struck me as a band who always tries to be inspirational in their songs. This is especially tells us to keep going although challenges never get out of our ways. This is another song that sounds anthemic and it gives you the goosebumps which rarely occurs to me.

There are a lot of other songs that make me feel good and inspired, however, this is what I remember now. I hope all of you who are reading can benefit from them just how I do everytime I listen.

Contact Hypothesis

We all experience having a conflict with someone, and we all experience not liking someone even before knowing the person. There is a saying, translated roughly from Malay, "not know, therefore, not love" that implies we hardly love something that we do not have any knowledge about. Sometimes in usual cases too, we do not like the things we do not have any knowledge about. Actually, this is true and has been validated by a psychologist, Gordon Allport, who asserted that prejudice can easily be elevated by simply knowing something about that someone. He called this theory as Contact Hypothesis, where interpersonal contact can produce knowledge that can be a good cure on prejudice.

This simple way of curbing prejudice can be useful not just in management setting, but we can benefit from it in our everyday life too. You sometimes always find yourself not favoring someone just "because the way he looks." This is normal because we are equipped with a preset stigma in our cognition that sometimes we do not realize we have. These stigma "guide" us on what to feel when we see something that could or could not resemble something in our preset stigma. When this happens, when you do not like someone without any apparent reason, try to know that person, and you will more likely grow to actually like him or her.

Contact Hypothesis does not just work on prejudice and unreasonable disliking, it can also work on conflicts between two people or groups who have actually known each other. Sometimes, when we have a conflict with someone, do you notice that you are actually angrier when you do not contact the person? A woman who hates her neighbor always seems to be bitching out behind her neighbor's back, but we never see them both to actually bitch in front of each other. Two classmates who clearly dislike each other never seem to talk or meet eye-to-eye, but they appear to have a heightened issue everytime they bump into each other but do not have a contact.

These kind of conflicts are fueled by "absence." The more absent the person with whom we have a conflict in our life, the more unresolved the issue becomes. In this situation, try to make the first move by saying hi or make a brief chat, providing you both want to make a brief chat. You'll find yourself, just like above, being less angry and lore likely to resolve the issue.

Contact Hypothesis, according to Gordon Allport, is not without its conditions:
1) Both sides have equal relationships.
2) Both sides have a common goal to achieve.
3) There is actually potential for both sides to form a relation.
4) Both are under a common supported authority.

But then, psychology has a lot of exceptional cases, even if you do not fulfill any of these conditions, try to make an interpersonal contact with someone you have an issue with. With luck, you can sleep at night like a baby.

Comfort Zone

So, last night I was talking to one of my dear friends on the phone and we were talking about this friend of hers who's been so mysterious and complicated. The story, by the way, is confidential, but let me tell you another story that can show you the gist of "comfort zone" discussion I had with my friend.

There was this friend of mine, who I found earlier last semester that he had been cheating off his lecturers in his class assignments. I found out that he took my paper, which was in English, and then just translated it outright to Malay, thinking that the lecturer might not notice that those two papers were the same, except in the different language. When investigating, we learned that he had been doing this since his diploma (until masters degree!). So, basically I was asking myself, how come he did that again and again and again without facing any repercussions? Well, the answer was, that's it, there were no repercussions!

You see, when people keep doing a certain thing - well, a bad thing - and never get caught or always survive the deed, he or she creates a comfort zone catering to the bad action. The person keeps doing it saying to themselves, "Well, I'll survive anyway..." My friend kept copying off his papers from other people's works thinking that, "Nobody caught me anyways..."

So, I was thinking of a solution. It might be drastic, but it might be the one from only few guaranteed way to make them step out of the comfort zone and man up to do the right thing. The solution is, to create a bomb. The bomb can be something that really frightens the "comfort-zoners" and make them go out from the zone. In my friend's case, the bomb is easily the direct consequence of his actions, which is the instructor knowing his deeds and barred him from the class. What's the bomb for comfort zone of a person who keeps cheating on his wife? Then that would be divorce and a million-ringgit suit. What's the bomb for comfort zone of a kid who never listens to his mother? That would be that kid has to afford his daily spending on his own.

The thing is, the bombs can be too drastic that people are afraid to actually create them. But then, if you want the person in the comfort zone change, then a bomb should be created and an "explosion" should be triggered.

Remorse

All this time I am doing my practicum at JKM Kepala Batas, under the unit of "akhlak," I have gone to follow my supervisor to do a lot of works and processes just to handle a case of juvenile delinquency. One question strikes me after several interviews with several offenders, and apparently it's a question my supervisor has been asking herself too. It is, how do you really know if someone is really remorseful towards what he or she did?

My supervisor said that she depends a lot on her instincts. Then, her instincts will depend on what she sees and hears during the interview. She would look at the body language, at how the offenders communicate, and how they react towards anything my supervisor has anything to say. Then, basing on that, she will determine if they really feel remorseful towards what they did. I'm not sure, but for me, it is quite simplistic, although understanding how demanding her works are, she can't really be choosy in what she is doing. But I have something else to say.

I say, they all feel remorseful, during that time.

Put yourself in the offenders' shoes. And imagine being in the position where a person, who can determine how your future is, (the "akhlak" official) is nagging you with questions that you must answer. Those questions can be threatening and for most of time, you are not sure if answering the question honestly or lying will do you any good. Especially, this is the first meeting, so you don't feel the trust to the official yet. What you feel is another person coming to see you to "do her job." You, bottomline, are in an intimidating situation. So, I'd say, at this time, you most likely tell yourself, "Why did I do it in the first place??" Regretting the offense that you did. Then, it follows by, "If I could turn back time," or "I really don't want to do it again," or "Please stop, I won't do it again." Therefore, in a way, you feel remorseful and it seems genuine, isn't it? (Well, except for the rare cases where feelings are out of questions or absent at all that usually only exist in psychopathic offenders.)

But I ask myself another question, "So, why do some offenders repeat their offense?"

So, for me, the real issue here is not whether they really feel remorseful, because I personally believe they all do. The real issue lies on the question whether or not the remorse lasts long enough to remind them of the consequences of their behaviors. The key is the feeling, because if you recall the imagination I ask you to do above, you'd understand that in the interviews, you'd feel all sorts of feelings you don't want to be feeling. Thus, these feelings make you not want to do it again, because the feelings hurt.

Then, perhaps what you should do if you were handling a juvenile case is to make sure that the feelings that trigger the remorse to last long. Just like bath, the reminder (or motivation) needs to be done everyday. The question now is, "How can we make sure that the offenders always remember that it hurts to see they and what they do hurt others?" Well, this is a question I can't really answer. I'm not an expert in motivation and hope one day I am. Maybe replenishing motivation is different than replenishing remorseful feelings. Well, we need to study on this.

What Makes Social Work Part II

According to one of my lecturers, Dr. Ismail Baba, advocacy might be what truly makes social work as a profession. In every field of social sciences, there is a role that every respective practitioner has to play to practice the knowledge he or she learned in the field. Psychologists will use what he learns about the science of behaviors and mental processes to develop or alter an aspect of the individual's behaviors or mind. Economics use financial studies and theories as the main focus in their practice. Political analysis break down the political phenomena in the world into a more understandable perspective by using science of governance and public administration. And there are a lot more why a certain field is its own.

But for social work, it might be the role of advocacy that a social worker plays. Advocacy in act in social work where a social worker defends his or her client in all terms as possible. This includes but not limited to the resources of needs fulfillment, communication to other parties, and advancement of social justice. A social worker playing advocate must be able to know the policies that concern the particular client and to argue on behalf of the latter if the policies do not seem to be plausible to fulfill the client's needs. Just like a lawyer, according to my lecturer, an advocating social worker needs to know to argue, defend, and even manipulate.

Being a social worker is challenging, just like any other fields. But the challenge there is in this one is that you have to have contacts, a lot of them, and be able to know who you can call to secure a certain need for your client. You have to have the numbers of the nearest counseling agency, or medical assistance, or educational institution, or financial aids, etc.

What Makes Social Work Part I

The reason why I'm inspired to talk about this is because my classmates and I are given a task to write a paper by a lecturer of ours on the integrated focus of social work and why it is important in ensuring the effectiveness of the intervention programs a social worker develops for his or her client.

Social work is based on a lot of other disciplines in social sciences. It is based on the theories and perspectives from psychology, sociology, political science, and even economics. But what differentiates social work from the rest of them? If social work is mostly nothing new, then why the need of the development of the practice? Well, I could answer it from the integrated part of the practice and field.

A social worker who is serious in his or her job should understand that an individual is comprised of a lot of factors. There's the psychological part, the social part, the emotional part, etc. The different field in social science deals with the different factors that make a person, and social work tries to synthesize the understanding and analysis so a person can be understood in holistic manner.

In systems theory, it is asserted that an individual is situated in a place where there are layers of interactions. There is a layer between an individual and him- or herself. There is another one that involves the person with the family, or the friends, or the colleagues from the workplace. There is also the interaction between the people in his or her life, such as between the family and the workplace. Then, there is a larger layer that consists of the political system, culture, and demography of the person. All this, according to Urie Bronfenbrenner specifically, who developed the ecological theory, have an impact on a person's life and how he or she is grown.

Therefore, understanding a system that a person lives in is the important part of social work, that somehow differentiates social work from other disciplines. This "integratedness" shows how important for a country to develop the knowledge and practice within it, and train a lot of practitioners to be skillful in this field.