In the world, when talking about shyness, the psychologists have these terms that describe the degree of outgoing-ness that people have - extraversion or introversion. Basically extroverts become very active and energetic when it comes to being around people, while the introverts are fine with being alone. You see, introverts are not always shy people, psychologists have always attempted to distinguish the two (Cheek & Buss, 1981; Eisenberg, Fabes, & Murphy, 1995). Basically, their assertion is that introversion is lacking of interest in socializing and shyness is being fearful to it (Dembling, 2009).
But you see, of all kinds of people, the shy ones always face problems with getting into a relationship. Many testimonials from Carducci's (2000) survey revealed that shy people got married mostly because the other spouse picked them, or they just simply feel superior with other people, a way to rationalize their own shyness. Ninety percent of the respondents also said that shy people employed some strategies to overcome their shyness, but unfortunately those strategies are ineffective, mostly because when they try to socialize (or called as forced extraversion), they expected people to do the rest for them.
So, based on these findings, can I say that shy people do not put hard enough efforts to get into relationships? Why is it that they have to be picked, or people have to do the approaching and introducing for them? While, other people of other kinds of traits are busy starting a conversation, or being laughed at for lame jokes, or finding the politest way to ask for numbers, the shy people just stand there waiting for people to come to them and say "hi!". My exact point is that, they should stop making shyness as an excuse for their own being alone, or worse off, lonely.
Well, I'm called to write this because I'm shy myself and I always wonder why is it so hard for me to be in a relationship - superficial or deep - with others? I am struck when learned that yes, I never did hard enough to make sure that people can actually at least notice my presence. I'm waiting at a corner, hoping people's paths will cross mine and everything will start out magically...
So, shy people, act!
Reference:
Carducci, B. (2000). Shyness: The new solution. Psychology Today. Retrived on February 08, 2010, from http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200001/shyness-the-new-solution?page=1
Cheek, J. M. & Buss, A. H. (1981). Shyness and sociability. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 41, 330-339.
Dembling, S. (2009). Introversion vs. shyness: The discussion continues. Psychology Today. Retrived on February 08, 2010, from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-introverts-corner/200910/introversion-vs-shyness-the-discussion-continues
Eisenber, N., Fabes, R. A., & Murphy, B. C. (1995). Relations of shyness and low sociability to regulation and emotionality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 68, 505-517.
6 comments:
Yes taufik, act! Go get ur girl! Uh.. I mean.. what u want! :P
hahahahahaha, ngko mcm tau2 aje....dh kwn rapat kan...weh, ko ada blog kan? nape tak bitau aku?
tsufik. aku sgt la ade prob ni kan currently.. huu mcm mane ni..? haha
haaaa, ingat nasehat aku...mesti selamat...hehehehe
I'm very shy and suffer social anxiety (panic attacks, shaking, stuttering and in extreme situations and I've struggled with selective mutism for years. And yet, people think I am super confident to the point I have had friends tell me I intimidated them when we first met. The thing is, maybe I try too hard, but I do try.
As a shy person sometimes people assume I'll 'understand' other shy people who refuse to involve themselves or make the effort at the risk of embarrassing themselves...I can empathise, yes, but I have no sympathy.
My answer is try harder or you have no right to feel sorry for yourself when you get ignored. If you ignore people's ernest attempts to engage with you or become friends by using the excuse, 'I'm shy', or think being shy means other people should do all the work, don't expect me to sympathise when people decide rather to ignore you or get bored of having to carry every conversation and interaction.
As a shy person, I struggle to manage my own interaction. I haven't the energy or desire to face my own anxiety and babysit another shy person too.
My partner has been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder due to extreme social anxiety - or 'shyness'. I love him and do all I can to help, except carry him, his conversations or manage his social life for him...I feel I'd be doing him an injustice, not a favour, if I babysat him in social situations. He's either got to decide to live with being shy (without moaning, moping or self pity) or begin to realise people aren't as ignorant as it is convenient for him to believe; people want to talk, make friends, engage, but chances are they're shy too and dealing with extroverts is hard enough, but having to manage a friendship with someone who doesn't put the same amount of effort into becoming friends...well, what sort of person wants a mate who, even in the begining, won't even make the effort to chat or meet up...
All this 'it is ignorance which causes people to call shy people lazy or rude' is funny because maybe it is, but how are people supposed to dispel that ignorance without a shy person making the effort to explain / communicate with them. There is no 'shy people are to blame' or 'the general public are to blame'...there is no blame. Shy people aren't rude, people who think any excuse to avoid putting effort into socialising and expect others to pick up the slack are rude, neurotic...and, yes, probably for thsoe reasons less likely to make friends.
People will make an effort for others if an effort is made for them, shy or not, we all have feelings and sometimes you've got to brave and face your worst fears, even make mistakes, to earn respect. People generally love a person who tries, not a person who gets everything right.
Yes, my point exactly, shy or not, efforts are what give you an opportunity to make friends and socialize. Being shy is an advantage because sometimes it prevents from the extreme behaviors other non-shy people usually do(i.e. extreme sensation seeking behaviors), but if shyness is too extreme to the point it prevents socialization, nothing good would come I would say. Thank you for your comment.
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