My Candle, Your Candle

They say that,

"blowing out the other person's candle will not make yours shine any brighter."

Perhaps it will contribute to the illusionary effect that only your candle will have its light lit up all over the room, but the fact is, the degree of its spectrum will be just the same.

In light of this metaphor, I would like to talk about a sad phenomenon in human psychology that is related to our need to blow out other person's candle to unleash the illusion that our light is the one that's spread out in space. Putting other people down is very common in organizations, universities, etc. A simple way to do this is by making another person look bad by mocking him in front of others, and worse cases could be enraged taste of revenge - whether or not the act is justified or not.

When I was working at a call centre, just like every other agent, we made some mistakes. Some customers could let go of those mistakes and forgive upon apology, but some customers could go on to amazing lengths to make sure that his disappointment was heard. The angry customer would make extra efforts to write dozens of e-mails with explicit name of the specific agent, call everyday to follow up with the case, and ensure the complaints lodged arrived at the desk of the superior. If their intention is to improve the quality of job the agents make then it should be honorable, but unfortunately, it was also very obvious that they intended for the complaints so something bad would happen to the agents in question.

So, this brings us back to the original question - why do people take every possible measure to ensure that other people will be down - whether or not the revengeful act is justified? A lot of research have been conducted to see if the myth is true that revenge can serve as a punching bag - a way to relieve anger. Well, that is why it is a MYTH, because revenge will only hurt more than relieve (Kirschner, 2009). According to the author, revenge increases the risk of health problem and stress. 

The opposite of revenge, which is forgiveness can always cure the malady in an angry heart. In one research, individuals who forgive more often are observed to have less increase in blood pressure and to less likely make medical visits (Pirisi, 2000). Why? Because the act of revenge makes the person to concentrate on the rage and until the perpetrator's candle is blown out, he will never feel satisfied, furthering more rage.

So, to certain extent, forgive - it will grant serenity on your side...  

References:

Kirschner, D. (2009). Relationship advice: Revenge not taken. Psychology today. Retrieved on 11th March 2010 from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-true-love/200909/relationship-advice-revenge-not-taken

Pirisi, A. (2000). Forgive to live. Psychology Today. Retrieved on 11th March 2010 from http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200007/forgive-live