There Are More Realities Out There

Perhaps, before reading down what I have got to say, you can enjoy this one song by Jordin Sparks, "God Loves Ugly." Why I introduce this song first? Because it has the essence of what's reality is, of what confidence is. In the beginning of the song, she said that everyone is looking down upon her because of what she, and others apparently, considered "ugly." The blemishes, the weight problem, and the dirt that spiflicated her appearance made her feel so inferior, and probably one less of a woman. Then, towards the end of the songs (and some parts of the middle), she was starting to believe that she's beautiful, she's "apparently" beautiful.

You see, it's her reality. She believed that she's ugly, she knew that, she knew that confidently. Sometimes when people tell you one of their realities, you should know that it's not helping to just deny what they are saying. Saying, "No, you're beautiful..." or, "You're wrong!" even if it's true in your reality, it's not true in the person's own reality. It may work sometimes, aided by a couple other factors. This is also why comparing problem, "my problem is much worse than yours," will only make the person feel bad about him- or herself. So, if you want someone to believe in something, to believe in him- or herself, to be believe that it's his or her reality, then make one. Make what you say a reality to the person, by strengthening the reasoning with something that she feels important and powerful.

In this song, she was finally able to have altered her reality in which she now believed that she's beautiful. Why? Because God was an important figure in her life, and she learnt that God never discriminated anybody, for God, everyone was beautiful. If God was down here on earth, she knew she'd be able to face Him feeling strong, without the feeling that she might get judged by her own appearance, like other people did on her.

Carl Rogers, one of the founders of humanistic psychology, believed that people get their realities by experiencing them in the past. the experiences are deeply rooted in their system that they become, well, their realities. Rogers asserted that helping professionals should hold to the first cardinal rule, which is to accept the perception of the person unconditionally, which is why when you want to listen to other people's problem, empathizing is something you should do. How can a person feel better when all you do is, "You're being a crybaby. Move on already. Come on, your problem is so small compared to mine! You think it's hard to lose a friend? Try me, I might marry a jerk out of my family's force..."

Having to marry someone you don't love is not worse than losing a friend, and vice versa. The problem is a problem according to your own book, according to your reality. This is very important to remember if you want to be a good friend, a good spouse, a good family member, or even a good helping professional. What you have to do is to accept the perception of that person. Then, without being directive and suggestive, you can help the person realize that there is another reality in his or her life. A reality that helps the person build a better life. Remember this your whole life.

You'll Be Happier When You Realize It's Your Fault

Self-serving bias is a social cognitive error in which you most likely attribute your successes to your own personal factors and your failures to other factors that you can't control. Try to imagine what a person would most probably say why he got an A in a subject, and why he slumped his grade for another. And you also might think that you're exempted from having this error, but think again, harder (Halvorson, 2010). 


This kind of thinking might protect you from having a downfall of your own esteem. You might feel better when you think you're not the one who screws up the whole thing. But, there is an unfortunate dark side of self-serving bias, where it leads and teaches you how to be powerless and in no control of your own life. A lot of what has been found in research showed that happiness can be stemmed from our own perception on whether we have control on our life (e.g. Myers, 1992; Cook & Chater, 2010). Cook and Chater concluded from their research that people who are happier and with higher perceived control on their life and have a healthier eating behavior.

Can you see the relationship between all these things I've been babbling about? Why do you think people become so incessantly sad and depressed over the their own misfortune? Society, environment, their own family members, their friends, or even God are most likely the target of blame because these saddies think these targets are the ones responsible (i.e. self-serving bias) for their bad events.


What I'm trying to point out is that, once you realize that you also have an equal share of the blame, that it might easily be your own fault, you will see that you have a higher chance to make it right in the future. Try to ponder what you did wrong, what made it go the way you didn't hope it to. By doing this, you heighten your perceived control in life and you'll more likely feel happier. Seriously try it.
And this entry is inspired by my own experience when God used to be my target of blame. Forgive me Allah.


References:


Cook, E. & Chater, A. (2010). Are happier people, healthier people? The relationship between perceived happiness, personal control, BMI and health preventive behaviours. International Journal of Health Promotion & Education, 48, 58-64.


Halvorson, H. G. (2010). In failure, we are all Alan Greenspan. Extracted from Psychology Today from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-success/201004/in-failure-we-are-all-alan-greenspan


Myers, D. G. (1992). The Secrets of Happiness. Extracted from Psychology Today from http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/the-secrets-happiness?page=2

My Life Is On Pause (A.K.A. The Art of Saying Goodbye)

Losing something significant, especially the ones you really care about, is a tragedy. Be it a dear friend, a beloved family member, an attached pet, or your loving spouse - it is never easy. What is worse is when you are very desperate to move forward, to go on with your life, you feel like there is this giant person with a giant remote who presses the 'pause' button on your life. You're not the one holding the remote, so you can't do anything but be frozen in the screen and wait.

There is a reason, well, two, two reasons why you're on pause, in my opinion. First, you need time to heal. They say that time heals and time doesn't certainly rush in doing its job. If you suddenly move forward, you never have time to think everything through. It's time to feel sad, to accept that you have experienced a tragic loss. It is the time when you have to accept that there might be no other kind of ending for that event. I don't mean to mourn and lock yourself inside the room, but give yourself a break. You have gone through a lot.

Second, this is the time when you have to properly say goodbye. Sometimes what hangs us up is the improper way things end and we don't like that. We keep wondering if things ended differently. So, rather than moving forward, we busy our mind with all the happy endings that could have happened. There's no time to regret! It's time to say goodbye, and for what's it's worth, you can do by your own. Admit that there's nothing between you anymore and that it's time to go. Say goodbye.

Moving on is tricky but it's not impossible. As I said, time heals, and time is your best friend that you don't want to lose here. It'll help you move forward, when you're ready.

I have to say goodbye too.

How Are You?

How are you?

That's what people usually say to each other when they meet. It's a sign of caring and friendship, where it's the simplest way to find what's going on with our friends. It's the simplest way to know if our friend is happy or sad, up or down. What's the better way to ask your friend that you want to know what is up with him or her.

Unfortunately, 'how are you?' has been much of a ritual question rather than an actual question. Paradoxically, 'how are you?' can be a sign that we're bumping into a person whose closeness to us is just so-so, and the safest way to look like you even care meeting with him is by asking, "How are you?" And what's worse is you don't even stop to wait for the person to answer the question and you don't even accompany the question with the appropriate body gesture and and facial expression.

This question has been very imbedded in our mindset as a way to start and quickly finish off unnecessary encounter, that we even just ritualize the answer by setting it to an automatic, "I'm fine..."

You see, especially when we're a close friend to someone and he or she is struck with a big trouble. It could be tricky what to answer when we ask that person 'how are you?'. It's like, he or she wants to just answer, "I'm fine." but we're his or her close friend, so s/he really wants to tell you what's going on, what's really happening. But then, we are asking, 'how are you?' which is not so elaborate for a person who really wants to know what's going on with him or her. So, at the end, the most likely option of answer would be the over-ritualized, "I'm fine..."

So, who should we blame? The way people treat a redundancy in everyday communication to avoid having a cognitive overloading (humans are naturally constantly trying to reduce workload in their cognition)? The way our creativity dies whenever it comes the time to do or say things differently than the normalcy? Or is it that we're unconsciously obsessed with friendship status with everyone in our lives that who doesn't make it to the 'significant' list does not deserve our undivided attention?

My suggestions would be to make an effort in showing that you care. Just asking 'how are you?' might just backfire in the friendship itself. Couple the question with the right body movement and facial expression. Stop for awhile when meeting to really catch up with the friends.

I also need to do the same ~ ~

Departure Prayer

Aslam,

I know that you'll read this when you arrive there. I want to dedicate this entry to you. Today is your departure to Japan and you're living in your dreams coming to realization. You're making efforts that are so amazing that dreams have to listen to you. I'm learning a lot about determination and persistence from our friendships. It's so valuable a knowledge that I never forget to be determined and persistent myself, because I know if I spend even half of my time making efforts like you did, I'd see my dreams coming true too.

So, this is my hope and prayers for you. I pray to Allah that you're one day, a big and successful man who makes a difference to the world. You inspire people and make people realize that their dream, each one of them, is worth fighting for. Please be safe at Japan, and please have fun over there. If Allah helps you realize your dream, He'll help you make a fun and beneficial living over there. He'll help you face any enjoyment and problems. He'll help you continue being the person, the brilliant man, you were in your studies and in your friendship.

Sincerely,

Taufik

Places Where Hungry Hearts Have Nothing to Eat (A.K.A. Chasers of Beauty)

They say that the food of mind is knowledge, and the food of heart is love. I don't know if I am actually well-phrased to talk about it but you see, beautiful people, men or women, they have an endless queue in front of them who is more than eager to have a connection with them. Before, when I was quite naive, I always thought it was a very superficial nature of humans, longing for the things that look good in the eyes. But, no, though we're always taught with the value of what's inside is more important than what's outside, we still feel that it's more enjoyable to be in a company of beautiful people. Why?

This is a list of answer of such question. It kind of gives a shed of light of why beautiful people always seem to have chasers of friends or lovers. Some answers are worth mentioned.

1) post #3 - the poster says that when you hang around beautiful people, it makes you feel beautiful too. It makes you happy. But what about the case of post #2 where the poster says that hanging around beautiful people shakes his self-confidence. Being around ugly people makes the person looks good.

2) post #4 speculates that hanging around beautiful people gives you a share of what is given to your beautiful company. If they're getting attention, you'll too. Is it true? Don't you even feel more lonely hanging around them?

3) post #6 says that pretty people have an awesome personality. Is it a case of "what's beautiful is good" myth? And it's countered by post #7 who claims that ugly people have nicer personality. Well, then, isn't this a case of "what's beautiful isn't good" myth?

4) Post #9, 10, and 14 make a direct statement by saying that ugly people are ugly. Well, there's no more further comment of these ones, isn't there?

Among all these, and the more sensible answer is given by,

5) post #1, 5, and the best answer chosen by the asker that we have been engineered in our genes to chase after people of beauty. They symbolize health, give refreshments to the eyes, and possess symmetry in their physiques. They chase beautiful people because well then, they want to have some "love" from them, which eventually satisfies their social life, which philosophically we can say, their hearts have been fed.

Beautiful people possess some evolutionary "mysteries" that maybe psychologists can attempt to understand, but in a meanwhile, us non-psychologists, please don't ever repeat what posters #9, 10, and 14 said, average Joes, me especially don't feel good when you say that. So, even if you hate us so much, keep it inside, answering in a public platform like Yahoo! Answers is very hurtful.

Friendship Is NOT Given, It Is Earned

What is friendship? It is a non-sexual relationship, can be deep or superficial, shared by two people who find that there is something that connects them together. Friends can be someone who shares the same workplace and knows you, or someone who is in the same study group with you, or your neighbor who knows your routine. Someone who you meet at the bakery several times and exchange smiles.


No, that's not my version of friendship. That is NOT my definition of friendship. Friendship never is without being deep. Someone who bumps into you at the workplace, someone who happens to live next door, or even someone who has a conversation with you, that is not a friendship. That may be an acquaintance. That may be someone, just someone.


If there's anything I learn these past few days, it is that friendship is not something that you find on the street and wear on your necklace, or something your mother gives you and you use it to buy something at the shop, or something you borrow from another person and then you give it back when you don't need it. 

Friendship is earned.

You can't just be someone's friend and expect to be close to that person. You have to earn to be close to him, or her. It's so much work, it's so much and you might get tired but at the end, it's worth it. You have to work for it. You have to show and give your effort. And you might or might not get the friendship but it's the way it is. According to Karbo (2006), for acquaintanceship to transition to friendship, it should be based on reciprocity, and understanding of give-and-take of intimacy. But what's most important is that the two friends can relate with each other, meaning to say that they share, or understand the same social identity.


And any of you who are reading this, please take a moment to pray for me so this one friendship I have with this one person (you can refer to him as AM in your prayer) will be taken care of by Allah. 


Reference:


Karbo, K. (2006). Friendship: The laws of attraction. Extracted from Psychology Today: Relationships Blog at http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200611/friendship-the-laws-attraction?page=2

It's a Shame

Somehow, OneRepublic's It's a Shame is very much describing what I am going through now. You see, I applied for Turkish scholarship and though has been reassured acceptance by the authority, I still can't bear the waiting, unemployment sucked. I tried to get to the scholarship, but unfortunately the authority itself didn't know when the result would be released, but he assumed it to be in August.

"Now I tried to get to you
Pushing in vain to break me through
And I tried with all I had
You left me standing empty-handed
Well time has past nothing ever lasts"

Yesterday, the authority called me and told me I am accepted to further my studies in Turkey under the scholarship by the Turkish government. I don't know whether to call it a good news or bad news, since now I have signed a contract with my government, and I can't back out now. Even if I am accepted, the circumstance is not the same anymore.

"So now you confess that you need me

And now you release what you're feeling
But how is this suppose to ever be the same

Oh it's a shame
It's a shame"

Wow, this is more reason why OneRepublic is the best! And, oh, the circumstance is not good now, I have to choose between the two, maybe thinking of a compromise. I don't know.

Listen to the song:

Do You Enjoy or Suffer Being Infatuated?

In an entry in Psychology Today blogroll, infatuation is defined as "idealization of the new love, often followed by deflation and feelings of loss. Intense longing and yearning - especially when the person is unattainable or elusive." (para. 4).


But the same author also asserted that infatuation is a normal developmental process of a teenager, though people in their older age can experience infatuation every now and then. In another writing I can't remember where the source is, infatuation should be enjoyed, rather than seen as a suffering.

Well, this is my experience and feelings every time I am attacked by one of these infatuation monsters. I know that the people I'm infatuated with are unattainable, so it only gives depression rather than the high feeling as if you're on drugs. Well, I feel aroused and high some of the times, except that whenever the thought that I won't get the person pops up in mind, I become so tired and moody, and depressed of course. 


I want reassurance by the person and my life is more likely revolving around the person where changes might happen. The person is in my mind 24/7 and I am in a 'great' dilemma whether or not just say 'hi' in a message or just call or just do nothing. I have to force my life to do other activities in order to put that person to the back of mind, which is only working if I'm interested in the activities, or otherwise it'll only become a case of Pink Elephant Effect.


So, now you judge, whether being infatuated is an enjoyment, or well, a suffering. It's the latter obviously to me...


Source:


LaBier, D. (2010). Why your love life is a version of adolescent romance. Retrieved from Psychology Today: The New Resilience from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-resilience/201004/why-your-love-life-is-version-adolescent-romance

There's Always a Different Side of a Coin

You can't always get what you want. It's what they say. It is implied that when you pray and wish for something but end up craving even more of it, there's a good chance that your wish is replaced by something that's even more important than you.

I can't tell the whole story of why this entry is inspired in the first place but my exact point is that there is always a different side of a coin. When you haven't got something you want, you might actually get it, but you just have to flip the coin's another side to your looking and there is a good chance that it is that what you have got. You see what we wish isn't always exactly granted in the exact manner, though I believe it is very very frequently granted.

For example, you wish for a lover, then you meet a wonderful person. He or she does not end up being your lover, but your best friend. You still get what you want, but it is only visible at the other side of the coin. It means you have to think harder what God actually wants you to want. Maybe in this case example, you should not get a lover, at least for the time being, you need someone to be your friend first, so here comes the wonderful person.

I don't know if I make sense, but it is what I learn yesterday and I hope what I'm trying to preach here, I can practice. In the meantime, enjoy this song, "You Can't Always Get What You Want..."