Little Friendships

"It's the little things that only I know. Those are the things that make you mine..."

Westlife's Flying Without Wings has been going around my head in this past few days. Perhaps because there is something that these two lines I quoted above want to tell. These past few days too, my thoughts have gone back and forth about the real deal with friendships.

If you take a look at any TV shows, what is the first thing that glue two friends together? It's more likely the huge conflict, life major problems, accident, fire incident, being kidnapped, murder, etc. Usually when big thing happens between the two friends in TV, then they become closer to each other, or develop best-friendship.

But in real life, the different thing is counted for. Take a look again at the lines I quoted above, and what do you understand from these lines? If you guess it right, it's about how small things, not major occurrence, but small things, like liking the same food at one particular cafe, or having the same opinion about human trafficking, always bumping into each other at a corner of a building, liking the same sports, knowing that he doesn't like jams on waffle, or learning that she likes to add colors in notes; all these things that are actually more likely to glue two friends together.

So, if you think that it's no biggie, that it doesn't matter, that that one friends wouldn't care, think again. Perhaps tagging your friend in a little note or status in Facebook, including one friend in a mass funny sms, saying 'hi' in e-mail, treating one friend a small warm cookie, sharing with your one friend a cool mango milkshake, or sitting down for awhile when bumping into your friend in cafe; all these do matter, more probably unconsciously, than consciously.

That said, take your time appreciating your friends by doing the little things that matter more because,

"Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things"

Clairvoyant Much

Something TV-ish happened to me a few days back when I was trying to get stamps for authentic copies for photocopies of my documents at Turkish embassy. When I went there, my Turkish friend, Alparslan helped me liaise with them and from their facial expression and voice tone, it didn't look or sound good. There were two officers working on that day and both of them had been amazing without my knowledge, especially I thought they were doing horrible job.

When one of the officers finally spoke to me in English, she said that to obtain stamps of authentic copies, RM35 was chargeable for each document and since I had 6 documents on that day, she charged me RM210, which was far beyond than my capacity. My face turned to something that technically showed, "I am strapped with money, lady! How am I supposed to pay it??" She actually could read it and asked Alparslan how my financial condition was. Of course he answered it wasn't good.

Then, because of my emotions, I became blind and somehow my emotions had been overinflated that I had the constant need to raise my voice to the level of yelling. The amazing part of these officers were they kept their professional and polite sense that they never reacted to my yelling. Then I went out to the place and I made it clear to Alparslan that I wanted to cancel all applications (yes, that was how emotional I was). Alparslan said that there must be something that we could do, there must be a solution. I made myself clear once again that it wasn't fixable and that NOTHING could be done to fix it.

Then, something hit me when Alparslan asked, "Okay, Taufik, tell me what kind of a solution that you really want to happen now?" I replied that those stamps were to be given for free, because of many good reasons I'd not want to list down now. Suddenly, a few minutes later, one of the officers called Alparslan and informed that he had talked to some people and I didn't have to pay for the stamps. He apologized for the inconvenience. I was very taken aback and never really thought how God materialized your prayers so quickly that way. I honestly believed how impossible it was for the solutions to happen, but then I hadn't learned that we weren't that much of a...

CLAIRVOYANT

No, we all are not clairvoyants. At best, we could predict the future by our knowledge in the past and present. Who are we to say what can or can not happen? Who are we to put ourselves in the position of giving up? We DO NOT deserve to give up. Perhaps that's why what is asked in the Day of Judgment is how much effort we have spent, not what we have got out of those efforts.

Then, I guess the common advices that I can repeat here after your sister, mom, or boss have said are be positive, and don't give up. It's as simple as it sounds, isn't it?

Be a Control Freak!

Someone says,

"I don't know how to start..."
"Let me make a cup of coffee first..."
"I can't study with a blunt pencil, I want to sharpen it first..."
"Lemme read my e-mails first."
"I have another 10 hours to go, one hour of sleeping won't hurt."
"He's a man, he should make a move first!"
"I think the post office is close today..."
"I'll just start dieting in April, only one day to go."
"The job's a sale. I don't want sale."
"I wish I could go to Aquaria..."
"(Waking up and yawning) 5 more minutes... (ZzZzZz)"
"(After Mom pestering about cleaning the house) I'll get right on it! After this one Youtube video!"

So, what common thing do you think all these line (which are excerpted from me myself and people around me) are implying? Yes, they all show us PROCRASTINATION...

                                                   This art is basically my way to procrastinate... *sigh

Basically, procrastination is delaying something that can rightfully be done right about now. Usually, procrastination is associated with time, such as "5 more minutes," or "tomorrow" but most people don't realize that procrastination can be virtually almost anything, any form of activities that hold us back from doing the thing.

My latest procrastination is line no. 8. I was asked to accept a part-time job at KL. I told myself, go for it, don't say no. Then, when I went there, suddenly I was understood that the part-time job was sale for product "Skor A" under the Ministry of Education. The job was quite fine (well, I only thought so after I decline the offer) where I had to go to major universities and try to promote the products. I love universities so until now why I declined the offer, I couldn't decipher. Wait, my reason was I hate sales...

In my humble opinion, one thing related to procrastination is a lack of control in life. We let issues like "hating sales," or "blunt pencil," or "hungry stomach" control whether or not we're moving on that particular time. I regret until now that I didn't accept the part time offer while I knew completely how I need money to go to Turkey in April.

Therefore, to remind myself and the readers out there, lessen the tendency to procrastinate. Take control of your life, well, be a control freak on this, I think it's acceptable. One research has shown that happiness is enhanced when you perceive more control in life.

Take a look at this video (hope that it's not one of my reasons procrastinating from revising the driving lessons book now)...

What Makes Us Happy?

On March 19, 2010, in the IIUM, precisely Experimental Hall at the administration building, happened an event that marked an important moment in my life, To be honest, I did frown upon a little bit when asked to perform a poem reading onstage at that night for a Maulud Rasul program. The moment I got a call from Alparslan, a Turkish friend of mine, I did say to myself, "please just get me out of that night fast!" Sorry Alp...

But, things changed a little bit when I attended the first rehearsal day. I met new friends, re-met old unknown friends, patched things up with a long-lost friend and I did catch up with old known friends too. The second day of rehearsal, things became a little bit more fun. I still didn't realize this fact though, as me reading a poem in front of other people for the first time of my life was very unimaginable.

Then the day came, where everybody was busy preparing, rehearsing, and decorating, well the hall that is. I was aware that I experienced this kind of elevated feelings, as if I was high of some drugs. I was thinking, perhaps it could have something to do with the nervousness. I socialized more and talked more with people. I tried to shift my attention to other people, as doing so could make me feel less nervous, but I still felt elated and shaky a little bit. Then, the night went on as it was planned, I did my performance, as did everyone else. Then, we proceeded to refreshment session where we socialized even more. And I was still euphoric (except I didn't know that it was euphoria).

Then the night ended, everyone had to go back to their own place. I realized something, that I became a bit down and devoured, and accidentally said to myself, "wait, it's finished?" and when I muttered those words, it struck me. I was happy, I was euphoric, I was elated. I was, fill in the blank with words that mean similarly to the first three I mentioned. It wasn't much about being nervous, it was so much about doing things that I was HAPPY about which were,

1) Doing seemingly impossible things.
2) Making new friends, retying broken friendships, and strengthening old ones.
3) Being in a group of people where respect was mutually exchanged.

So, yes, researches have shown a lot of variables that are generally associated with happiness such as, religion, substance, relationships, or even money. But for me, happiness is acquired in a more personal level. We personally know better ourselves what is it that makes it easier to carve a smile on our face. Happiness is something that other people should not tell you about, it is known when you learn about yourself and do things that is out of your comfort zone, because we always have a more capacity than meets the eyes.

So, hold your chest, close your eyes, and ask, "what makes me happy?"

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I would like to personally thank my friends, Fatih, Alparslan, Remy, Harun, Askar, Revsan, Abulikemu and others who were involved in the program, because you guys, every single one of you, mentioned or not, made my day!

My Candle, Your Candle

They say that,

"blowing out the other person's candle will not make yours shine any brighter."

Perhaps it will contribute to the illusionary effect that only your candle will have its light lit up all over the room, but the fact is, the degree of its spectrum will be just the same.

In light of this metaphor, I would like to talk about a sad phenomenon in human psychology that is related to our need to blow out other person's candle to unleash the illusion that our light is the one that's spread out in space. Putting other people down is very common in organizations, universities, etc. A simple way to do this is by making another person look bad by mocking him in front of others, and worse cases could be enraged taste of revenge - whether or not the act is justified or not.

When I was working at a call centre, just like every other agent, we made some mistakes. Some customers could let go of those mistakes and forgive upon apology, but some customers could go on to amazing lengths to make sure that his disappointment was heard. The angry customer would make extra efforts to write dozens of e-mails with explicit name of the specific agent, call everyday to follow up with the case, and ensure the complaints lodged arrived at the desk of the superior. If their intention is to improve the quality of job the agents make then it should be honorable, but unfortunately, it was also very obvious that they intended for the complaints so something bad would happen to the agents in question.

So, this brings us back to the original question - why do people take every possible measure to ensure that other people will be down - whether or not the revengeful act is justified? A lot of research have been conducted to see if the myth is true that revenge can serve as a punching bag - a way to relieve anger. Well, that is why it is a MYTH, because revenge will only hurt more than relieve (Kirschner, 2009). According to the author, revenge increases the risk of health problem and stress. 

The opposite of revenge, which is forgiveness can always cure the malady in an angry heart. In one research, individuals who forgive more often are observed to have less increase in blood pressure and to less likely make medical visits (Pirisi, 2000). Why? Because the act of revenge makes the person to concentrate on the rage and until the perpetrator's candle is blown out, he will never feel satisfied, furthering more rage.

So, to certain extent, forgive - it will grant serenity on your side...  

References:

Kirschner, D. (2009). Relationship advice: Revenge not taken. Psychology today. Retrieved on 11th March 2010 from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-true-love/200909/relationship-advice-revenge-not-taken

Pirisi, A. (2000). Forgive to live. Psychology Today. Retrieved on 11th March 2010 from http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200007/forgive-live

The Bounty Hunters

I believe that most of us have experienced the situation where we're so financially strapped, that we worry about how to pay for next semester's fees, or our children's tomorrow's feeding, or the rent for the next month? These and so many similar experiences are enough to give us the stressful impact as it is given by any major fallouts like disaster or death.

The 24 hours that we have in a day, we occupy our minds with endless planning on what we can do to make sure we survive the next morning. We are restless until we are rest assured that our life tomorrow will be taken care of. This kind of planning makes it so worrisome for us if things go wrong, and when the clock goes near to 12 midnight, but we still couldn't figure out the ways.

Our behaviors are very much common to what they call as, the bounty hunter... Bounty hunters never rest until they capture whatever it is that they need to capture.

But, as a Muslim, do we realize that there is one simple answer for all this tribulation. Take a look at this verse,

 

One part of this verse that has been named as the 1000 Dinar Verse, states how a resource can be very unlikely that Allah can provide to His slaves. It is also stated that the slaves who give entirely up to Him will always be sufficient and there's always a way out for every problem. Bounty is up to Him. This doesn't mean that we should stop making efforts, it just means that we should believe and stop being overly worried, because Allah will never run away.

So, the next time if we're strapped for money, we're worried whether we're able to pay for next semester's fee, or concerned that our children are unfed, or the payment for the rent next month, then remember this...

Allah provides rezqi...

P/S: I would like to specially thank my friend, Islam for his reminder on this... It's a huge slap in the face...

Yesterday... Today... Tomorrow...

In “Don’t Be Sad,” there is a remarkable part of the wisdom that denotes people’s obsession to dwell in the unfortunate past (funny how people always forget that their past has some wonderful moments) or too indulged in the uncertain future.

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They say experience is an important thing to guide you in life, but experience alone is not enough, which is why the past can’t completely tell you what you are or who you are in present. Sometimes, in the past, we went through something painful and people who are stuck aging in suffer and refusal to move on. The past should be the platform where we learn and improve, but for some who are obsessed with it, is a cage that has no door nor lock. You can be the product of your past decisions and actions, and since the name is ‘product’, we can’t really do anything about it but change and improve if the result is not desirable. They say,

“Being adult is not about making the right choices, but about dealing with the choices you made…”

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Yes, it’s important that we plan for the future, making sure that whatever we decide is something that will be worth it. But some people assume too much until it becomes part of their reality. Assumption is not planning, and is never healthy because assumption can be a seed for unnecessary ridiculousness. The future is what will happen, and is not a product yet, but still why some people treat it like it’s already in front of the eye? Even the next second is the closest future we have but we still can’t completely predict what will happen, so why breaking a sweat at something that you know has not happened yet? They say,

“No dreams come true until you wake up…”

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But, present is the product of the past.

Present is the plan for the future.

Present is what we see in the eye.

Present is present now…

So, hold present’s hand and take care of it, because you don’t want it to be the cycled product of unfortunate past, or the new horrible beginning of an ill-fated future…

Bloodline

Last night I watched an episode of Criminal Minds, and I was so in awe of their jobs and 'criticality.' Yes, yes, I know how much overrated these kind of series are in depicting what real Forensic Psychology is, but still they give you the basic frameworks what forensic psychologists could be working on with their knowledge.

And no, it's not only about psychological autopsy, it's about analyzing the criminal's behaviors and mind in relation to their own crimes. Try to watch Season 4, Episode 13, titled "Bloodline." As experienced behavioral analysts with critical thinking, not only the criminal's mind were they looking at, they looked wholly at some other aspects.

1) Cultural aspect: The criminals are Romanian, and their behaviors reflected of what the extremist Romanian people do with their ritual obsessions.

2) Sociological aspect: The analysts not just deciphered the behaviors individually, but the criminals as a collective unit (since the criminals were a family, a basic unit of society). This reflects the importance of sociological social psychology.

3) Attention to small details: A critical analyst would not abandon any single detail he or she could acquire in investigation process. The knowledge of the kid's asthma condition helped them obtain more information on further moves the criminals might make.

4) Holistic approach of investigation: Not only one technique of investigation was used, but a holistic approach was utilized. This can be seen when in the interrogation room, there is a "bad cop" and a "good cop" where coercive and gentle kind of interrogation were used to enhance results acquisition. Try to watch this, how good cop and bad cop looked like, well, kind of.

5) Cognitive interviewing: More and more research have been supporting this technique's effectiveness, why do we not make it a part in our Malaysian investigative system?

Yes, I am still in awe. One of my dreams is to work at an organization like this. Building up my critical thinking, and be more creative in solving a behavioral problem. Pray for me guys....

Are Shy People Lazy?

In the world, when talking about shyness, the psychologists have these terms that describe the degree of outgoing-ness that people have - extraversion or introversion. Basically extroverts become very active and energetic when it comes to being around people, while the introverts are fine with being alone. You see, introverts are not always shy people, psychologists have always attempted to distinguish the two (Cheek & Buss, 1981; Eisenberg, Fabes, & Murphy, 1995). Basically, their assertion is that introversion is lacking of interest in socializing and shyness is being fearful to it (Dembling, 2009).

But you see, of all kinds of people, the shy ones always face problems with getting into a relationship. Many testimonials from Carducci's (2000) survey revealed that shy people got married mostly because the other spouse picked them, or they just simply feel superior with other people, a way to rationalize their own shyness. Ninety percent of the respondents also said that shy people employed some strategies to overcome their shyness, but unfortunately those strategies are ineffective, mostly because when they try to socialize (or called as forced extraversion), they expected people to do the rest for them.

So, based on these findings, can I say that shy people do not put hard enough efforts to get into relationships? Why is it that they have to be picked, or people have to do the approaching and introducing for them? While, other people of other kinds of traits are busy starting a conversation, or being laughed at for lame jokes, or finding the politest way to ask for numbers, the shy people just stand there waiting for people to come to them and say "hi!". My exact point is that, they should stop making shyness as an excuse for their own being alone, or worse off, lonely.

Well, I'm called to write this because I'm shy myself and I always wonder why is it so hard for me to be in a relationship - superficial or deep - with others? I am struck when learned that yes, I never did hard enough to make sure that people can actually at least notice my presence. I'm waiting at a corner, hoping people's paths will cross mine and everything will start out magically...

So, shy people, act!

Reference:

Carducci, B. (2000). Shyness: The new solution. Psychology Today. Retrived on February 08, 2010, from http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200001/shyness-the-new-solution?page=1

Cheek, J. M. & Buss, A. H. (1981). Shyness and sociability. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 41, 330-339.

Dembling, S. (2009). Introversion vs. shyness: The discussion continues. Psychology Today. Retrived on February 08, 2010, from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-introverts-corner/200910/introversion-vs-shyness-the-discussion-continues

Eisenber, N., Fabes, R. A., & Murphy, B. C. (1995). Relations of shyness and low sociability to regulation and emotionality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 68, 505-517.

The Secret of the Secret

 

I read one article in www.psychologytoday.com that talked about what made it possible that the Law of Attraction can work to some people. Lyubomirsky (2008) stated that the law itself might be a huge example of placebo effect - the condition in which fake or sham treatment can actually work on people (just like when "sugar pill" can cure headache).

Basically, the Law of Attraction asserts that we should focus on the good things that we want to achieve, be emotionally parallel with our own desires, be grateful, and list down all the good things that we already have. Then, the universe responds by making us closer to what we desire.

Since watching the documentary explaining what the so-called "secret" is, I have been wondering, is it that easy to get what we want? Is it true that the successful people actually do this technique? I always want to see the mechanics, the real one, behind the Law of Attraction, especially when one of the speakers inside the documentary said that there was one instance that a painter got double date and a marriage after he painted such desire in his house. The reason being is that when he painted his desires, he'd "announce" what he wanted to the universe, thus making the latter to respond by getting him closer to his desires.

What I was thinking is that, perhaps it works because as I stated in my previous entry, "Redha" that when we feel content about something, we're more likely to put efforts that can increase chances to actually get what we want. One of the substance of the Law of Attraction is that we feel good about us, the life, people around us, about everything. When we do, it's easier for us to put our efforts and it's clearer for us to see what path to take just simply because we feel content and grateful.

One commenter of the article also stated something about "Self-Fulfilling Prophecy," the instance when our expectation can be sufficient to produce changes in people's attitude and behaviors. It's like, A thinks B is nice while the latter is actually not so nice, but A keeps treating B like he's a nice person, so time after time, B becomes nice. Of course I have understated what Self-Fulfilling Prophecy is in my description just now, but basically mere expectations (or attitude) can be as powerful to produce changes in people and outcomes in the future.

So guys, what do you think?

Reference:

Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). Is "The Secret" just a giant placebo effect? Psychology Today. Retrieved on February, 2, 2010, from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-happiness/200805/is-the-secret-just-giant-placebo-effect